Ask for help? Really??

I know its been a long time since ive written. In fact, I think the last time I wrote, it was before thanskgiving. Here it is post Christmas and I'm not where I wanted to be one bit. I got this kindle fire for Christmas the other day and yesterday I was watching a movie on it about Steve Jobs. While watching it, I heard the narrator saying that Steve finally had a hard time embracing the threat of an early death and how it was sobering for him. He took long walks and set goals for himself every day after his surgeries. I have to find a way to find myself. Whenever I think ive got it figured out, I talk about it too much and then I fail. I feel like I'm failing all my friends when I talk about my goals and never accomplish them. Then I really feel like crap and embarrassed. I went on a date a few weeks ago and it was nice, but I think I disappointed her. I just felt absolutely no spark whatsoever and I was mad. I know if its meant to be, its meant to be, but I would really love to find someone again. There is no way in hell I'm ready though. Knowing that my weight is going ti hold me back from a lot in a relationship, I'm better off not trying right now. I joined match.com last month and its been a total waste. I've talked to a few girls, and they're nice, but they either live too far away, or the ones I try and contact completely ignore me. Everyone says I need to "get out" and meet women, but I am not nor have I ever been a bar person and if I was, I have no one to hang at a bar with. All my friends are married or just plain don't hang at bars. If I had the money, I would hire a trainer and fer my ass kicked every day at the gym and hire a nutritionist. I just feel like working and that's about it. I don't wanna go out anywhere, don't wanna go out with anyone, I need to be alone for a while and focus on a plan. I need to be on my own for a while I think...I dunno. I was told this afternoon that I was an ass because I said the only person that could help me, was me. Maybe she was right...

Final Setback

Well, it's been a long time since I've had a chance to sit down and lay all my thoughts out. I guess writing is more therapeutic than I thought. I was feeling so much better when I was writing each night. I had been thinking about where I'm at in life last night and I was not happy. I've fallen away from working out and eating right and it's taking its toll on me emotionally. I know in my head that I should be taking better care of myself, but in my heart I just don't feel the drive. I've got a serious case of "I don't give a shit". I sit and wish I was out flying or out dating and making the rounds and I sit and work my ass off at work or sit on the computer or watch tv. It's been a long time since I had any contact with my ex and it got me thinking I would send her a message on Facebook to have her wish her daughter a happy belated birthday for me and she was not on my friends list anymore. That really hurts. It's so stupid that something so simple hurts like this, but it hurts pretty bad. I feel like I've been thrown to the curb one last time and just put away and off to be forgotten. I always like to make a good impression on people and to feel like I've just been put away like this sucks. So, I will take that as one last stomp on my heart and now I will try to completely move on. It's hard, but I have no choice. I've wasted enough time feeling sorry for myself. This is bullshit. I am much fucking better than this. I have a lot to offer and I had a friend a long time ago that somehow I always find a way to make things happen for myself. I was driving by the old airport today and was thinking about when I spent every free minute over there walking and exercising to get this weight the F off me and I was on a streak and then it stopped. This is the same thing happening to me right now and I need to conquer it. I need to do a bunch of things. I need to get my ass out of debt and get my ass into shape so I can start flying and start thinking about dating again. I really miss having someone...a lot. I will say this, I'm so thankful for my friends. They all have been really great understanding that this is the first time I've gone thru something like this and they have been very patient with me. I think it's time for bed. I am tired and need to rest my mind. This vacation has been good for me, but I'm ready to get back to work. It's kinda driving me nuts that I'm not at work. Hope you all have a great night and a Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for all my friends. I love you guys. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flip side.

Hating winter...and it's fall

Well, let's see. I am completely discouraged and in desperate need of a kick in the ass and a pep talk. My old friend Heather used to be really good at providing me with the right shoe in the ass to get me motivated and she's not around anymore. I can't seem to get myself up and moving in the mornings anymore because I haven't been sleeping well and I'm too tired at the end of the day to get to the gym as much as I want to. I miss my ex and I think that's why I haven't been sleeping. I felt like I was a better person when I was with her. I felt like I had a better purpose. I finally felt grown up and had some responsibility. It was very nice. I felt like a father and a husband a lot and it felt so great. I need to get something else going. I bought a new guitar on Friday and am going to start getting serious about learning guitar. I need to start getting into a gym regimen now that the weather has turned to shit. Going to the gym feels totally weird now after busting my ass outside for the last couple of months. This should be easy and it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Gastric bypass surgery is looking like an easy out, but I don't know if I want to do that. I'm still on the slate for it as soon as I get approved. I don't know. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I would love nothing more than to defeat this crippling condition like an H bomb, though. Tomorrow is a new day and I plan on doing some soul searching tonight before I go to bed. Bears just beat Philly and Michael Vick just spent most of the game on his face, so I'm happy. Sorry to rant again...I'll cheer up soon. Writing and getting it out makes me feel better for sure. Hope you all are doing well. Get some sleep. We'll catch you on the flipside.

Fighting

Raindi is right...I have to fight for this. I HATE losing, I HATE being defeated. I hate not having control over things I know I can control. I just need to get it in my head that I can do this and do it correctly and well. I know I'm stronger than I have been in years and I know my diet is the hardest part right now. Every day at work is the same thing... "What do we get for lunch?" and we end up getting Jimmy John's or something like that. It's killing me. I hate it. I just hate it. I just need to completely change again. I thought I had this shit down and it's slowly fallen away from my grasp. I'm not back to the old ways, but I know if I continue like this, I will be there soon and it scares the living shit outta me. I sit here wondering where I'd be right now if I had stayed 100% on the track I started on. This just sucks and it scares me. I haven't been sleeping because I've been having dreams about my ex. Last week I had dreams two consecutive nights replaying the night she broke up with me and it upset me so bad I had to go for a drive in the middle of the night to blow off steam and relax. Then, I'm so tired during the day, I just don't care about anything else. It sucks and it's really hard. I wish I knew why this whole breakup thing, which should be out of my head by now, is still affecting me so much. I look back and every little detail of that relationship and do nothing but blame myself for things I should have done differently and times I should have opened my mouth when I wanted to and should have taken the initiative to do things when I had the chance and didn't. I have to stop blaming myself, but that's just really hard to do for me. I just can't bring myself to focus how I have to. I am definitely taking time off soon to relax and think about ME and only ME. Damn it, this shouldn't be this hard. It SHOULDN'T be this hard! I get chest pains whenever I think about how hard I have to work to get this figured out. I seem to be so good at solving everyone else's problems...why the hell can't I solve my own?!? I spend so much time at work making sure that everyone is taken care of and that I'm doing everything I can, that I'm not taking the time to watch out for my own self worth. Damn it, I am worth more than that, aren't I? I think I'm a good person and I have a lot to offer. I treat people special to me like gold and I'd do anything for my friends and my family. I look back at my life after high school and think about all the things I should have done differently and just hate the fact that I should have done things differently and maybe I wouldn't have to go through this. Yep, I'm an absolute mess tonight and am going to be shortly turning off my phone and computer and trying to get a good night's sleep tonight. I need it bad. I noticed tonight how cranky I am and I need to nip that shit in the bud so I don't piss everyone off. I'm going shooting with Dan, Emily and Kelly tomorrow morning for Kelly's birthday, so maybe I'll be able to blow off a little agression with the Mosin...should be good for me. I've got some Winchester rounds sitting next to me here. We'll have some fun for sure.

Day Eighty

Starting something new on Monday. This weekend is going to be super busy and I've been busting my butt all week here at work. It's been hard keeping up with writing, but I'm not giving up. I just get to a point where it's so late at night when I want to write that my eyes can't stay open long enough to actually write. I've been bad this week, but I'm making a plan to start fresh. I went to the gym this morning and it was hard. I never realized how much different it was going to the gym vs. exercising outside. It's definitely different. I am going grocery shopping on Sunday and I am setting myself up for the whole week with a meal plan. This is stupid. If I don't get my diet back under control, I'm going to wire my jaw shut...just like a buddy of mine said he was going to do if he couldn't figure his shit out either. This should be so easy and it's anything but easy. I have so much to look forward to when I get healthy and I just keep losing sight of that. It's all on me and no one else.

Day Seventy Nine

Having some hard times. I just can't get myself back into this whole diet and exercise thing. It's hard and it's depressing me. I know for sure I need to sit down and draw up a plan which is what I want to do tomorrow night. I'm feeling like there just aren't enough hours in the day to do what I want to do. I think I need to take some time off from work soon. Maybe in a few weeks I'll take a week off or something. Who knows. I need a break from everything and need some time to actually gather some thoughts and work on some things for myself. Yes, I love solving everyone else's problems, but I think it's time I sit down and think about me for a change. I need a better plan and a better routine. Winter is coming and there needs to be an adjustment. Who knows. I've got a bunch on my mind. I heard a sister of a friend died today and I have a relative not doing so well with cancer, so that's on my mind too. Just lots going on. I hope everyone has had a good night and I'll catch you on the flipside. Goodnight, friends.

Day Seventy Eight

Had a good day today. Woke up early and went riding at work again. Little cold, but manageable. I need to buy myself some damn gloves. Did some more work with some machines at work and had a damn disaster with one of my switches. It decided to forget all of its settings and I had to re-enter all the settings for it. What a disaster. Took an hour to get everything working the way it's supposed to. After that, I had a meeting and did some thinking. I skipped lunch because I was too busy and grabbed something on the way home from work. When I got home from work, Matt was getting ready to go running so I thought I'd join him. Not, running, but riding. So, he was going to do a loop and I went along and did a nice 5 mile ride. Phew! Now, after that, I was tired and pretty much passed out last night. I still need to find a computer programmer / engineer to help me get my new idea off the ground so I can submit it to a few companies and see if it's possible to bring it to market. I think it's an awesome idea...just need to bring it to fruition. I just don't know what it'll cost me...we'll see. Well, since my blogger wasn't working last night, I am writing this in the morning. Hope you all had a good night. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Seventy Seven

Feeling better today. I slept until about 9am this morning and got out of bed and went and enjoyed the morning air for a little bit. I sat and watched the Bears beat Tampa Bay in London and then watched the Packers and Vikings battle it out this afternoon, so I didn't do much of anything at all today. I was very very lazy today. I guess I'm finally taking a day to relax and do nothing. Last week was a busy week for me....I worked my ass off last week and I think a few days of doing nothing is deserved. I'm kind of lost in this whole diet and exercise thing right now for some reason and I'm beating myself up about it. The weather is breaking and it's making it really easy for me to be lazy and be lax about it. The sun doesn't come up until late each morning and it goes down early. I hate it. I want summer back. I am dying for change each and every single day and I am finding it hard to find each and every single day. I need a jump start. I need a new beginning. I need a pep talk. I need a reminder of why I'm doing this. I have a million reasons to do it, but, and this might sound really dumb, but I feel like all those reasons are stale and I need to rejuvinate it all. Here I sit watching football and wish I was out with a girl having dinner or out doing touch n go's in a Cessna at Aurora or DuPage challenging myself. Why is something that should be so easy to do with all the reasons I have so damn difficult?? It's so damn frustrating and I wish I knew what to do about it. Maybe I need professional help... I don't know. I guess I feel a little lost again. I'll get there. I know I will. I just need to find the right way to veer at this fork in the road. Hope you're all having a good night and had a great weekend. Love you guys. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Seventy Six

Well, today was kind of a drag. I woke up early throwing up and I couldn't figure out why. Just sick. I pretty much did nothing today and relaxed tonight. Not much going on other than that, so I'm gonna cut short. I hope you all have a good night. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Seventy Five

Today was another good day. I went to work at 6am and rode my bike. I did abotu 8 miles and froze my nuts off. :) I wanted to get a little head start on things at work, so I got to work around 7:30 and started working on my network project, which I finished! I have a couple of bugs to work out, but still, it's done! Sweet! Talked to my new friend all day today via e-mail and text. Maybe we'll get together at some point this weekend and have a drink or something. We'll see. After work, I did some things to some new computers and then hit the road. I got halfway home and Butch called me wanting me to stop by his place of work and check a few things out. What a cool company! It's really interesting. After we did some stuff there, I went over to Dan's with Butch and we played Guitar Hero for a few hours. Now, yes, it's a video game and it's childish...but you know what? If you grow up, you die. Might as well have fun and do what feels fun at the time instead of trying to be the "mature" one. I'm tired of being stuffy...Now, I'm home and ready to hit the sack.. Hope everyone is having a good night and I will catch you on the flipside.

Day Seventy Four

I had a good day today I guess. I woke up a little later than I wanted to, but I was able to get in and set some stuff done with our network. I ordered a new router for one of our clients to get things done over there and replace one that broke, so I was able to do that this morning. I'm having a hard time getting used to this cold weather. I dug through all my clothes today and broke out the long pants, sweatshirts and long sleeve stuff...hell, I even broke out a hat because I am riding my bike tomorrow..good lord I am going to freeze my balls off tomorrow morning! :) This new acquaintance I made this week is really starting to grow on me. Maybe it'll turn into something good someday. One day at a time, one conversation at a time. No expectations, just enjoying the friendship right now. I came home at a decent time today and had dinner with my family for the first time all week. Watched a little Hawks, Big Bang Theory and now I'm watching Breaking Bad with Matt and then I'm off to bed...Up early! Hope you're all having a good night. Goodnight friends. Catch you on the flipside. :)

Day Seventy Three

I need a kick in the ass! Somebody please beat me for not riding this week. I always told Shalene i was going to need an ass kicking svery now and then. Now is one of those times! The weather has been shitty so I haven't ridden at all. I have worked so much this week, I just had nights where I just wanted to sleep. I could NOT bring myself to get up at 5am this morning and slept until 6:30 I think. I was so busy at work... I just didn't know where to start. I am working on a networking project with VLANs and I'm having a hard time working on the switches with everyone working at the same time. It's hard. I have been writing and talking to a friend almost non stop for the last three days and it's a good feeling to have someone on the other end of the texts and phone calls again. After work today, I went and visited Butch at work and helped him with a few things and we did a few things with other computers and then I came home about 9pm. I'm in bed waiting for laundry and need to go to sleep. I hope everyone is having a good night. Goodnight friends. Catch you on the flipside. :)

Day Seventy Two

Had a late start this morning. Got to work on time, but I didn't get home until about 11:30pm last night. I stayed up talking to a friend and didn't fall asleep until late. When I woke up, I just got my stuff and went in. I didn't even bother doing anything else. I had so much to do. I did some selling today, did some network stuff and got a new wireless access point ready to install. After work, I talked on the phone with a new friend for over an hour and had a great conversation. When I got home, I relaxed for a bit and took a shower and went to bed and here I am writing. I hope to get a long night of sleep. I hope you're having a good night. Catch u on the flipside...

Day Seventy One

Overslept this morning and got a TON accomplished at work today. I'll have to write more tomorrow. I worked a 16 hour day today today. Home AT&T 11:15 tonight... I'm so tired! Glad I had good company. It was a fun day. I'm off to bed! Can't keep my eyes open. Goodnight friends. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Seventy

Whew...what a weekend! I know I slacked off last night and didn't write, but here goes... so yesterday, I was going to go help Dan change the locks on his late father's house and make sure that things were taken care of and when we got there, the locks had already been changed! Whoever was living there has pretty much taken up squatter's rights and will not allow anyone in the house. When we went to the police, they told us not to touch the house as we would be trespassing! However wrong that situation may be, we agreed and went back to Dan's mom's place. After having a long long discussion and a few drinks, we went back home in a convoy between me and Dan, Emily and the kids and Kelly in her car. We all went out to see Munger Road...worst movie ever. It was cool to see the city of St. Charles in a movie, but damn it was bad! Just drawn out and ended like crap! Anyways, after the movie, we drove out to Munger Road to see how many people were actually driving out there to see the railroad tracks in which the movie was centered around and there were a ton! So silly. On the way home, we decided to drink, and grab Taco Bell and discuss what we were going to do with the squatter and talked into the night. Dan and Kelly and I were up until at least 4am talking and laughing and telling stories. It was so much fun. :) I came home and passed out on the couch and woke up around 7. Matt and Butch and I went shopping for a few things today and went to breakfast. When we were out, we had stopped at where Butch works and checked out his place. I love it. He's got a pretty neat job. Same kind of work I do, but he's totally got a great set up. It's fantastic. Good for him, he deserves a good job. He loves it there. When I got home, I took it easy and relaxed. I did some laundry tonight in our new washing machine (THANK GOD) and got ready for the Bears game which I am happily watching right now. It's the beginning of the 4th quarter and it's 36-10 Bears and it's 3rd and Goal...c'mon Jay!! Do it! Kelly was having a hard time getting her computer updated with the new iTunes so she can get iOS5 on her phone, so I remoted in and updated it for her. Took a while, but I love helping friends. That's my thing I guess! I'm going to head to bed and throw my clothes in the dryer and hit the sack. Well, it's been a slice. I'm off to bed to finish watching the Bears game. It's 39-10 right now. LOL...nice. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...

Day Sixty Nine

I will write about this day in the "morning" as it is 4:00am and I just got home from an entire day of fun with Dan, Emily and Kelly. Good day of helping out, drinking, movie, dinner and more drinking.... What a LONG DAY!!! I will definitely write more in a few hours when I awaken from my alcohol induced coma. :) goodnight Friends. Catch you on the flipside

Day Sixty Eight

Froze my butt off riding in the cold wind today. Did 7 miles and it felt like 20. It was so windy! I had a good workout. Work was pretty boring today and I'm very ready for bed. I'll try and write more tomorrow. Sleep tight tonight, friends. Love ya all. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Sixty Seven

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Lots of stuff on my mind. Things that I miss keep occupying my dreams and things that I'm stressing over keep coming up. I'm just tired of playing catch up. Today someone at work came up to me and told me that she loved reading my blogs everyday. I like writing them even if I'm too tired. Like right now, it's just about midnight and I can't sleep and I know I have to get up around 5am and go bust my ass on the bike again that's really a a lot harder than you think it is. It's hard to get motivated. I suppose I should really try and go to sleep. I hope you all are having a good night! Good night friends, catch you on the flipside...

Day Sixty Six

Woke up around 1am this morning after having a sad dream. I re-lived a bad night and just couldn't fall asleep again. Everytime I started drifting off, it started right back where I left off. So, I stayed up and watched some tv and then drifted off around 4am and woke up at 5am and just said screw it...I went to work to get riding. When I got to work, I got the bike out and hit the timer. I had a pretty good pace the whole time until about mile 5. My knee was really really hurting for some reason. Almost like a pressure was building up under my knee cap. So, I slowed down and kept riding at a gentle pace. Only hit 8 miles, but I was really hurting. Getting to work, I knew I had a lot to do today and wanted to do an audit of our AT&T records and see if there was a way to get us some savings on cash. So, tomorrow, I'm going to go around to each building and see if I can pinpoint the phone lines that we do and don't use and get rid of them. I want to move us to an efax solution and find some way of processing credit cards online. Our phone lines cost so much to have, it's a waste to keep them running. Later, I went upstairs to start working on a project near my boss's office. Our owner, Bernie was in there today and he and I had a great talk. I showed him a lot of cool shit that his iPhone could do that he didn't know about and explained some things to him about the computers. All this while my boss sat and shook his head laughing. It was fun actually. I did the audit around 10am and it took a good 2 hours or so. At 2pm, Bernie had asked me if I could go thru the records and try and find out why we're paying AT&T so much every month. When I told him I took it upon myself to do it already, he just shook his head and smiled and said "That's my Mikey...if I need it, you're on top of it." He's such a good man. I really do look up to him and really think of him as a father figure. He's really one of those guys. Very fortunate man, but extremely humble about it. I tell ya...I would not be at JA anymore if it weren't for Bernie and Brad...those two have done more for me at this company than anyone else would do somewhere else and I can't thank them enough for what they've done for me. Hell, who else can talk to their boss about how many miles he ran in the morning or ride their bike next to him while he's running and push each other a little harder. It's a pretty cool thing. When I came home, the bad news kept flowing and things are worst than I thought and an intervention needs to be had I think. It has nothing to do with mine or anyone else's health or anything, so don't worry...it's just a shitty situation that needs to be dealt with. Butch came by and bought dinner and we had a good chat afterwards. Tomorrow is T-28 Mod night at Dan's I think, so that'll be fun. Can't wait for tomorrow...I just want a good night's sleep. Speaking of which, it's past my bedtime. Hope you all have a good night. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Sixty Five

I am feeling really bad tonight. Really tired and run down and stressed. I need to try and sleep this day away. I had some shitty news dropped on me tonight and I'll have to talk about it at a later date. I just don't have the energy to blog too much tonight. Gotta do some thinking and some planning. I have lots of work to do. I hope you all have a great night. I will write more in the morning. For now, I'm going to bed. Night, friends...catch you on the flipside.

Day Sixty Four

Well, did a little something different today. I've been wondering if I'm doing absolutely everything I can to get rid of this weight. I know I'm sounding like a martyr or something, but I'm just not feeling the loss as fast as I want it. This is something that, in my mind and my heart, I want this to make me feel better than I have in the last couple of years. I just will not be completely happy with myself until I can say that I'm in a spot where I think I am healthy and able to reach the goals I've set for myself. I am 30...I haven't lived yet. I've had one relationship in my life and it's now gone down in flames. I think maybe that's why I want this so fucking bad. I was such a happier person when I was with someone because I just felt so much closer to being completely happy. I walk around at work and I can feel people looking at me and I catch people catching glances at my belly and stuff and it just makes me so uncomfortable. Makes me want to curl up in a hole and block myself away from everyone, but the only thing I can do is get up every single day and go to work and bust my ass and try and shed this shell holding me back from flying, from catching the eyes of women, from doing everything else I can't do right now. Today I went to the "Mike" ramp and decided to try a Couch to 5K session and walk/run the access road at the airport and my knee just wasn't up to it, so I walked it out for 40 min and did a mile and a half. I felt pretty good after that...my knee was hurting a bit, but I felt physically pretty pumped. I did a bunch of good stuff at work today and went home to watch the Bears game at Dan's place. I'm ready for bed for sure. I'm not sure if I want to walk or ride my bike tomorrow. We'll see how I feel. Maybe I'll drop my bike off and walk from the "Mike" ramp and then ride when I get back to work and do a few miles on the bike. Maybe that's what I'll do. I talked with Emily tonight and she knows how I feel and she knows I'm frustrated and she's right...it's a slow process, and I need to be patient. I thought I'd be more patient...but I guess not. :) I'll get there...I'm just venting tonight before bed...maybe I'll sleep a little better. I hope you all have a good night and I'll catch you on the flipside. Goodnight, friends.

Day Sixty Three

Well, I felt like crap today...I woke up at 6am to a wasp crawling on my face...must have come in last night thru the window. I had the windows open because it was nice out. That woke my ass up and I couldn't go back to sleep after that. So, I've had a huge headache all day long. I suppose the hangover I had was well deserved. Butch and I went to Dan's last night and that first beer went down really easily, so I kept going. Plus, Dan bought some new rum and I love me some rum...the shots of that were awesome. All 4 of them. I went downstairs and Butch came over to get his airplane out of my car so he and I flew in the driveway for a little while and he left to go see his kids. We ate breakfast and Megan and Josh and Matt and I went to American Science and Surplus. I wanted to get a weather balloon...yes, like in the commercial. More on that later. After that, I went to work to do some more work on our new maintenance system that is now up and running and came home and took a much much needed nap...which lasted must longer than I wanted. I really wasn't intending on sleeping this long, but I feel better. I shoud have stayed up and just toughed it out until 9 or so. I am watching some Sunday Night Football, then I'm off to bed. Hope you all had a good weekend and I hope you have a good night. Goodnight friends. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Sixty Two

I'll write more in the morning (Hopefully sans hangover!) about my day today. I'm in no way able to type out my thoughts. In fact I've dozed off twice writing this. Catch you on the flipside.:) I promise I'll write more in the AM.

Day Sixty One

So, I woke up a little late today and really couldn't sleep well last night. It was pretty much a bad night. My CPAP machine has been hurting my head. I need to get different head gear. It's starting to drive me nuts. I got to work around 7:30am and had to mess with the server first thing. The Exchange services went stale and the folder store dismounted from the system, so e-mail was down since 3am this morning. We exceeded our database size limit...great. We've officially outgrown the system. I made the necessary changes and we'll see if it dismounts tonight. I hope not! I worked all day to get a computer reformatted for Lisa and finished it around 3pm, so I took it over and set it up for her. She's happy! It's faster and cleaned out and we messed with the resolution on the monitor so it's easier for her to read. So, we're good there! And....drumroll please...our maintenance software that has been in service since 1994, BABY36 made by California Software, is being retired as of tomorrow. I, along with everyone else is ecstatic and we're welcoming EBis into our system. So, myself and 4 other maintenance technicians are working on manually moving all of our current customer info, work orders, parts and aircraft info over...MANUALLY. We have to manually type in all the new info because the DOS (Yes, I said DOS) program won't allow us to cut and paste, so it's total manual labor. We're about halfway done. Not bad for 20 man hours so far. We stayed until about 9:30pm or so and will be starting tomorrow morning at 8am and working until we're done. I also have to set one of the other girls up with dual monitors...that should be fun, cuz I don't have a video card that will work...at least I don't think I do...we'll see. I really wanted to have a beer tonight, but I can't find anyone that wants to go out and grab one with me. So, I'm off to bed. I hope you all have a good night. Night my friends...catch you on the flipside...

Day Sixty

Man...sixty days? I kinda feel like I should be way ahead of where I am now. I wanted to be down like 50 pounds, but I haven't weighed in since week 4. I don't want to weigh in until Halloween I think. Time to kick this shit into high gear. I am going to try and start a new diet this weekend. I started my day today at 4am and went to work and was on the bike by 5:30am. I was really really sore this morning. I went 10 miles and quit a little early because I was just too sore to continue. I'm thinking about setting a weekly goal for riding. Maybe 75 miles a week? What do you guys think? If I do 10-15 a day, that should cover it. I am getting ready to head to bed. I have been up way too long and I need to get to bed. I was thinking last night...I want to start bagging my lunch again and really work on eating even healthier. The weight watchers thing was working, but I am eating things just because they work on the points scale...I want to work on eating better. I had a dream last night. I had a dream that my brother Tim came home for Thanksgiving and didn't recognize me...damn it, I want that to happen, but slow and steady...I know. I keep having these dreams of being able to fly and stuff and dating again and doing all the things I really want to do and each day it seems just like this weight loss is like watching the hour hand of a clock. It sucks, but I know it's for the best. I'll get there...patience has always been a strong suit of mine with others, but I guess not with myself I guess. :) Well, enough babbling. I'm off to bed, I need to get some sleep. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Fifty Nine

Started this day around 4:30am. Got up, got dressed, ate breakfast and went to work to start riding. I went out there with the mentality that I was going to hit 20 miles on the bike. I figured as long as I could maintain a 10mph pace, I could do it with no problems. So, I took off on the bike around 5:30am. I had a quick pace off the bat and could tell I got slower as the morning went on. It was DARK... I need a headlight on my bike and a mount for my phone on the handlebars so I can see my bike computer so I can keep track of my pace and time. I rode...and rode...and rode...the sun got higher and higher. It was a lot of fun actually. I stopped once to get a drink of water and jumped back on the bike to finish it off. I hit 20 miles right at 7:30am. It felt so good...but man I was tired! It was just so draining. I think I need to wait until after riding to eat breakfast so I can recoop some energy. We'll see tomorrow. I'm hoping to do the same thing tomorrow. We'll see. So, after that, I went and did some work and got a lot done. I am taking half a day off tomorrow since I have to work on the weekend. I'm going to visit my pulminologist to get my sleep apnea machine data checked out and get looked at again. Time for my 6 month checkup. Should be interesting. Then, Dan, Butch and I are heading out to fly micro planes again after work. I am tired and need to get to bed to get up to ride again. I can't wait to hit the sack. Hope you all had a good night. Goodnight my friends. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Fifty Eight

Well, I had a bad night last night. I fell asleep at about midnight and had a dream about someone and couldn't fall asleep again after that. By the time I fell asleep again, it was about 4am. I just couldn't get them out of my head. :( just missing them badly for some damn reason. Once I was finally able to fall back to sleep, I found myselfwaking up at like 7:45am... Ergh! Once at work, I had a ton to do... It seemed like I didn't have enough time to get it all done. Realizing how nice it was outside, I decided to see if Butch and Dan wanted to fly after work, so they both met me at Munhall school's parking lot for some micro plane flying. Had some good laughs and I needed that today. I'm taking Thursday off since I'm working all weekend, so I gotta find something to do. When I came home from flying, I ate a sandwich for dinner and went and am doing laundry and am laying in bed waiting for the washer to finish so I can take a shower without the hot water going crazy. Can't wait to hit the pillow. Hoping for some uninterrupted sleep tonight for sure... Hope you're all having a good night. Goodnight my friends... Catch you on the flipside.

Day Fifty Seven

Woke up at the butt crack of dawn this morning...and I mean...4:30am. I got up, went to the bathroom and went back and laid down for about 2 min...big mistake. I then proceeded to wake up at 5:34am. I wanted to be at work by 6am so I could get an early start to the ride. Oh well, so I made it to work by 6:30am. Got on the bike and did a few warm up trips up and down the parking lot before really hitting the laps. As I turned down the parking lot to head to the ramp, I saw my boss, Brad getting out of his car to go into his office. He gave me a "Mikeeeeey!" and a wave and off I went. I took off slow and slowly progressively got faster and then maintained a steady 10mph pace. It's just enough to keep my heart rate at about 150-160 in the right gear, so I'm happy with that. Tex and Harry (ConAgra pilots) had the Lear APU running getting ready for this morning's flight, so I was riding by the jet under the canopy on each pass. On one pass, I noticed passengers getting on board and Tex and Harry waved as they started the jet...I rode in circles behind the jet a good 30-40 yards behind it and waited until they got ready to taxi out. It was pretty damn cold this morning, so the warm jet exhaust was a welcome addition to the morning. I love the smell of JetA in the morning. :) As they started taxiing out, I got right behind the jet and pedaled as hard as I could agains the force of the exhaust. It's hard to do! Gets the heartrate up though! It's a good 30-40mph wind. When I went back to the corporate hangar, I passed Brad on the access road. He was out for a jog and he was all bundled up. Had a good day at work...kinda slow, but good! We're going to have an article written about us in a magazine and we wanted to take some good pictures. We had a bunch of big jets come in today and we had a good opportunity to get some good shots. I climbed up on our air stairs and took a whole bunch of shots. I came back into the office and my boss was standing there. He said something to the effect of "You know, in any other situation, I would say being your boss, I should be the one inspiring you, but I can truthfully say that you are the one inspiring me every morning watching you ride in the cold." That was pretty damn cool of him to say...makes me wanna keep going for sure. When I came home I had dinner and went over to Dan and Emily's the BS and watch a little Monday Night Football and have a beer. Ended up being a nice day, but it's 11:45pm and I'm not looking forward to getting up in 5 hours. Oh well. Gotta do it, right? Hope you all have a good night. Goodnight, friends...catch you on the flipside.

Day Fifty Six

I'll be honest, I don't really feel like writing tonight. I woke up around 7 this morning and had the worst headache ever. I could totally feel that I've been neglecting my workouts because of my back. My legs are sore, I feel groggy...I can just tell and I feel like shit. I'm going to ride tomorrow morning come hell or high water. I don't care how cold or windy it is. I can't wait to go to bed tonight. I need to hit the sack early so I can get up early and ride. I'm thinking of maybe taking a day off this week since I have to work late on Friday and work on Saturday. I'm hoping this week makes me focus a little better....I need it. This weekend I had a lot of time to think and I have decided that I'm over thinking everything. I am blaming myself for a lot more than I should be and I need to realize that things that happen to me aren't always under my control. Time to just do it. Stop talking and writing about doing it and thinking about doing it and JUST DO IT. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...

Day Fifty Five

OK...it's time to get back on the bike...I'm miserable. I can feel my muscles tightening up from not riding or walking all week because of my back. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll go for a ride on the trail. Butch and I are going to go flying really early so the wind isn't crazy like it was today. When I got up this morning, I went and got breakfast with Matt and Butch came by with a couple of new airplanes he bought. We checked them out and went to check out the new Hobby Town USA store. I had to deliver flowers for my mom this morning so she could go and visit her friend in Indianapolis. So, Butch and I went and picked up the flowers at the shop and took them out to the bride and then to the wedding hall where the wedding was. On the way back, both of us were really hungry, so we went to Lou Malnati's and bought a pizza and went home. Matt came home and we talked about having a campfire tonight and doing marshmallows and stuff. We don't like our firepit, so Matt and I went to Menards to buy a new firepit. When we got home, we met Megan and Josh and had a great time. Butch showed up and we had a lot of fun. It's now 1:45am and we just quit the fire. We burned 4 bundles of wood and a half a bag of marshmallows. Tomorrow, I want to go to Jewel and get groceries before Monday because I want to start brown bagging my lunch every day. We'll see how that goes! I want to see about getting a contact lens exam this week so I can get rid of these damn glasses. They were really bugging me today. We'll see what my health plan covers. Not too sure about it. Well, I'm beat and wanna get to bed. Hope you all had a nice day and a good night. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...

Day Fifty Four

OK...so my back is finally feeling better. It's still a little tweaked out, but it's definitely better. I got out to work aroudn 6am and tried to get on the bike, but it was hurting, so I walked around for a while. I put a new printer in and installed some new peripherals on the shop computers in the hangar. Had a nice conversation with Shalene this morning. She always brightens my morning. It's just nice having a conversation that doesn't make me wanna reset my brain to get rid of the garbage for the day. :) I made some more ID badges today for some employees and we took some pictures of a customers instrument panel because it is without a doubt a work of art. We had a decent lunch and I worked on some more stuff for our new clients in the corporate office. I'm always looking for a new project. I love projects. I was looking to find something to do this weekend. I don't know what to do. I wanted to go to Rockford to see a friend's band play, but I've got no one to go with me, so I'm gonna skip it. Maybe I'll go to the flying field and hang out there during the day or something. We'll see. Tonight we went to Outback with my mom, dad, Megan, Josh and Matt. Was a nice dinner. When we came home, they all wanted to go out for ice cream, so I took them to Oberweis. It sucked watching everyone eat delicious shakes...oh well. It really sucks when they all go "Why didn't you get something??" It's so embarrassing to say I didn't want anything because it's making me fatter, but it shouldn't be embarrassing. I should be proud of it. I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning. I don't want to get up before 9am. I'm debating on going to get an eye exam tomorrow so I can get the F rid of these god damn nerdy glasses. Every time I look in the mirror, I see the face that I can't stand looking at. I HATE the way I look in glasses. I am tired of the nerdy look. I wanna go get an exam and get contacts. I only got these glasses because I couldn't afford contacts. I can't afford them now either, but I really need to get rid of these...they're just getting on my nerves. Well, I'm going to bed. I'm crabby and tired! :) Been up since 4am, I deserve a good nights sleep and some peace and quiet tonight. :) Goodnight friends. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Fifty Three

My back finally feels better today. I am so glad I'm feeling better. I still have spasms here and there, but they're manageable. I got a lot done at work today. I started making ID badges for all the employees so that took up a lot of my time. At the end of the day, I went over to the corporate hangar and finished setting up the new office for our new tenants. I got to finally mess with VLANs! I love VLANs...so much easier to deal with! It allows me to create a network within a network without extra hardware. I love it...yes, I'm a nerd. Bite me. :) I am planning on riding in the morning...after I take some ibuprofen! After I got done with that, it was late and I headed home. I'd had enough with my head of hair this week and decided to stop and get a haircut. Feels and looks so much better! On the way home, I called Butch and we went out and had dinner to wind down from the day. I hope this weekend is decent...I'm looking forward to relaxing because I know next week I have to work all weekend. We'll see what this weekend brings! I'm off to bed...gotta be up early! Hope you all have a great night. It's cold out! Stay warm tonight. I'm going to bundle up in my pillows and double blankets tonight. Good sleeping weather! Goodnight, friends...catch you on the flipside.

Day Fifty Two

Today was pretty rough again. My back feels better than it did yesterday, but just about every hour, I would have these horrible spasms and my back would totally tense up and just send pain thru my whole body. It was bad. I was on my feel a lot today trying to stretch out because the more I sat in that stupid office chair, the worse the pain got. I ended up staying the whole day, but I was dying to go home around noon. I managed to get a lot done, but the fact that I'm still in pain and not able to workout is really bothering me. I'm so upset that I can't keep the momentum up that I had going this week...I was on a total roll! I have a great support system at work. Everyone is rooting me on. Even Al came up to me this morning and asked why he hasn't seen me riding my bike this week. Man, I wish I was! I really do. Maybe Friday I can start riding again...I have a feeling tomorrow will be bad again, because laying in bed is just not working either right now. I'm still having some bad spasms every now and then. I took some ibuprofen and I'm waiting for that to kick in. I know I should take it slow, but damn it, I want to lose more weight. Now that I've had a taste of it, I can't help but feel like I'm not losing it fast enough. I know that's not a healthy situation to be in I guess, but it's how I feel. There is so much I want to do...I feel like it's Christmas week and the week is going SOOOO SLLLLLOOOOWWWW. I'm kind of hating my drives to and from work. Too lonely. I just have all this time to think about this journey and how I feel like I'm going to be alone until I get in shape. I hate that I feel like that. I really do. So, I turn on the radio and listen to sports talk...yikes! I just wanna make someone really happy and I guess I'll get that chance someday, but man...it sucks to wait! I don't even have prospects! So sad...:) Well, I'm going to put my mask on and hit the sack. Goodnight, friends...catch you on the flipside.

Day Fifty One

One word today...pain. I am going to make an appointment at a chiropractor tomorrow. I laid in bed pretty much all day long and watched TV and just tried to rest my back. I stretched as much as I could and took a super hot shower. That seemed to help. I have been taking lots of pain meds to keep from going insane, so it's feeling better now. I finished fixing Emily's laptop tonight and dropped it off tonight. I hope tomorrow is better. I kinda hate being at home with nothing to do. Too much time to sit and think about what I need to get done. I'm going to cut this short tonight so I can do some laundry and get to bed tonight. I will write a lot more tomorrow night for sure. Got lots on my mind. I just want to get back to my workouts and keeping my mind focused on that...

I hope you all are having a good night. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...

Day Fifty

I can't believe it's been fifty days. I started the day off by waking up at 5am and looking out the window and seeing lightning...no bike riding for today! :( I went right back to sleep and woke up at 7am. I got up, dressed and went to work. When I got to work, I went to step out of the truck and heard a pop in my back and almost collapsed from the breathtaking pain. I don't know what happened, but it was pretty painful! I stuck it out as long as I could at work and went home to lie down. When I got home, no position felt better to lay in so I popped some more ibuprofen. I'm hoping things feel better in the morning. I want to get back to riding and walking. I don't want to stop. I had a dream last night that made me really feel happy. Brought back some good memories and I want to be healthy so I can achieve some new things. I know, it's going to take time, but I just want it so bad. I'll get there. Well, here's to feeling better in the morning. If not, I'll probably stay home and do some work from here. I just want this to go away. I hate feeling like an old man! Damn it, I wanna be in awesome shape so I can run around again.

Hope you all have a good night. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...

Day Forty Nine

Slept until 10am this morning! I was up most of the night though...I couldn't sleep and actually came downstairs and slept on the couch for a while. That didn't work too well either. I got up and we had a nice breakfast. Josh, Matt, Megan and I drove up to Volo to look at boats today. Josh and Megan are thinking about buying a new boat for next year. We had a nice long drive. 3 hours! We came up to watch the Bears game and then headed back here for dinner and had brats. It was a very uneventful day for sure, but I'm hoping to get some decent sleep tonight. I'm not off to a great start as it's 10pm and I'm still not in bed yet. :) I hope you all had a great weekend and I hope you have a good night. I'm off to bed. Goodnight, friends...catch you on the flipside.

Day Forty Eight

Well, not much to write about today. I was pretty boring today. I woke up late and had breakfast with Matt. Matt, Megan and Josh went to a party, so I was on my own all day. I went and got new tires put on the Suburban. I didn't really have the money, but it really needed to be done. I guess I'm better off this way. I got a decent deal on them, so... I came home and picked up Josh and Megan's dog and took him home. I decided to go to the flying field to see if any of my friends were out there and there were a couple, so I figured I'd stay and chat for a while. I ended up flying two airplanes that weren't mine. Every time I go out there, everyone begs me to start flying again because they miss me out there. Next year I will...My friend Ernie was there and he noticed that I'd been losing weight. He was really happy that I've been working on it. That was pretty cool. Came home and watched a little tv and had a sandwich for dinner. I'm watching Erin Brockovich and then I'm off to bed. I hope you all are having a good night. Goodnight, friends...catch you on the flipside.

Day Forty Seven

So, I got about 10 hours of sleep last night and woke up around 5am. I had taken a shower last night, so I got up, dressed and went to work to ride. I did 13.6 miles today. I was pretty proud, yet I ran out of time...that was disappointing, but it's my longest ride yet. Felt pretty good. Work was pretty uneventful today. I got some loose ends tied up and then worked on a friend's computer after work. I ended up sticking around a little later and talking with a few of the pilots that were waiting for their passengers and had some good laughs. I can't wait to fly. I can't wait to get in shape so I can find that guys inside me that's ready to settle down and date again. I've been lonely lately and would really like to find someone. Other days I can't even imagine it and feel like I need to just get myself into a normal position physically before I try anything. I missed out on a lot in my last relationship because of my weight and I don't want to do that again to anyone else or myself for that matter. Oh well, I'm on that track, it would just be nice to have someone to talk to about my day and go hang out with after work again... I just miss it so much. I know, I'll get there, just going to take some time. Tonight I had dinner with Butch and my brothers and now I'm home writing and working on a friend's laptop. Seems like that's all I do anymore is work, but I guess it's better than sitting around being miserable. I'd rather be busy. Well, tomorrow is a lazy day I think. I hope you're all having a good night. Catch you on the flipside. Goodnight.

Day Forty Six

I guess things have a way of working themselves out. I started this day at 2am by coughing and sneezing so much I couldn't keep my CPAP mask on. So, my sleep sucked again. I plan on going to bed super early tonight. I decided to stay in this morning and relax. I felt like I was getting a cold, so I took some airborne on the way to work and got some breakfast. I had a pretty tough day at work, but we got thru it all. I got some backups restored and then went to the corporate hangar to wire up the wall jacks for some new clients. Really happy about getting that accomplished so I don't have to go in this weekend. They're moving in next Friday I think. Tomorrow, I plan on getting up super early and hitting the bike hard. I was pretty disappointed that I didn't feel good enough to hit the bike, but tomorrow is another day. I have been feeling pretty dehydrated lately and I think I'm going to start drinking water like crazy and give up Diet Coke...we'll see how that goes. I'm a little broken up today because I'm pretty sure I drove someone away from me by opening my big mouth. I said something I probably should have kept to myself and I'm afraid I drove them away for good. I guess I'll know if I never hear from them again... :(

I'm off to bed. I need to sleep this sickness away. I can't believe I'm going to bed at 8pm...I must be crazy, but I'm tired! I hope you all have a great night. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Forty Five

Well, I had a pretty damn good day today. I got up early and got moving. I felt like crap when I woke up, but I think it's because I didn't do well with my mask last night. I woke up without it, so I think I slept pretty bad. Took a shower and headed out at about 6am. Got to work and took off on the bike immediately. I got the first two laps out of the way and my legs got past the fatigue soreness and the rhythm started. Before I knew it, I was 6 miles into it and stopped to adjust my shoe. When I checked the telemetry on my phone, I realized it was about 7:15am or so. I figured I'd ride for another 20 min and then hit the shower and change my clothes. So, I started a timer on my phone and THOUGHT I hit the start button. On one of the laps, I noticed one of our mechanics pulling into the parking lot and I know he doesn't usually get to work until around 8am, so I looked at my phone and to my surprise, it was 7:57am!!! Holy crap, how far did I ride?!? I went 12.4 miles! Holy crap, longest ride yet. If I hadn't realized it was 8am, I would have kept going. I felt great! So, I rode back over to corporate...took a quick shower and got dressed and went to work.

I had a great day working and had a pretty good day conversing with my friends at work...one of those "Fuel each other's fire!" kind of days. :) She knows who I'm talking about. LOL. After lunch, our owner came walking across the parking lot. He is pretty amazing. I gotta explain something about him, when I was 17, I was under a Cessna degreasing it with a bottle of degreaser, a brush and a hose and I was covered in grease at about 8pm and Bernie came out of the office(he was working late that night) and told me to get out from under the plane. I was certain I was in deep shit. He handed me an envelope and told me to make something good happen out of it and told me I had qualities that reminded him of his late son. I didn't open it until I got home, but he awarded me the scholarship that they always give out as a memorial of his son. I never had applied or anything...I was dumbfounded. He's always been one of those men that I look at and think "Some day, I want to be just like him and be as honest, caring, hard-working, and generous as he. Anyways, I haven't seen him in over a month...I don't think I've seen him since I started this new lifestyle. He walks in and jokingly says "Who's the skinny dude in the corner over there? Doesn't Mike work for us anymore!?!? Huh!?" as he was kind of laughing. I knew he was messing around. :) He came in and patted me on the back and he said "I saw you riding today, and you keep doing what you're doing and everything will fall into place. You're doing great as usual and you're gonna be very happy!" That was probably the best thing to happen to me this summer. I just couldn't do anything but smile all day long.

I drove home and enjoyed the air. I had the windows down, sunroof open and the music up. We had Jersey Mike's for dinner and watched a couple of episodes of House and watched the new episodes of Modern Family while doing some work for my second job. Now, it's time to do some laundry, take a shower and go to bed. Can't wait to sleep. Believe it or not, I'm not really tired, but I'm going to go to bed anyways.

Hope you're all having a good night! Goodnight all...Catch you on the flipside.

Day Forty Four

Well, I waaay overslept this morning. I didn't wake up until 7:15am! I was so pissed. So, I got up and ran into work. Every day I'm crossing my fingers because I'm scared that my tire is going to blow out. I need to get it fixed this weekend. I came across a weird problem at work today. We have two computers at our front desk and I use one machine to share a printer. Well, the one that uses the shared connection couldn't print to the printer. I tried everything, rebooted switches, repaired connections, re-installed drivers on the one machine...everything! When I had checked the event logs, I saw a time service event, so I decided to check the time on the machine. If time doesn't match the server time, network problems occur bigtime. The computer I was using was correct, BUT the one hosting the printer was two days off! Someone changed the time and date on the hosting machine. I was so pissed! Who does that!?!? It was the last thing I would have thought to check, but believe you me...I will be taking that into consideration now! I swear...if there is a place to really learn about computers, it's where I work. Everyone makes you think because it never ceases to amaze me what they can do to a computer. Really.

When I got home, I took Matt over to the new HHGregg store to get an Apple TV. That thing is pretty cool! Really neat features for sure! Play videos from your iphone or ipad and pictures and stuff...pretty awesome. I'm off to bed now. Wanna get up early and ride! Can't wait to start another day. I might write more in the morning. I have more to say. Battery is dying on my laptop though. Goodnight friends! Catch you on the flipside...

Day Forty Three

Woke up around 5am this morning. I had to put a new computer in Dustin's office and make sure that it was running before he got back into work so he could work. I got in, got out and had it running before he got in. Damn, I'm good. Although it doesn't change the fact that I had to work all weekend. I really want to take a day off this week to make up for it though. Had lots to do today and got a bunch done. I left an hour early to go get my tire looked at. It's had a slow leak for about a month now and they told me that it was to a point that it needs to be replaced. I can't believe tires are so damn expensive for my Suburban. They want $200 per tire...I think that is absolutely insane. I would be so much better off buying two tires and having a buddy put them in for me. I gotta look around. They told me that a blow out could happen at any time, but I don't have the cash to buy new tires. They wanted to sell me two new tires and I would have done it if I had $400 to blow, but I don't. I'm trying desperately to get my damn money under control and pay off everything I have under my belt. We'll see what I can find. Dan and Emily had a dead wireless router in the house and they had bought a new one and Emily's laptop gave up on her. Needs a new hard drive. :( I got the router fixed and took the laptop home to see if I had a spare hard drive laying around. I guess I don't. I gotta keep looking. I hate seeing my friends have issues that I can help with. Hope I can help!

Time to go to bed...I'm tired. I feel better than I did yesterday, but I'm still getting thru things. Hopefully I have a good workout tomorrow. I need one bad. I really need to make sure things keep on track. I want this...I NEED this. It's a moral imperative. ;) (Name the movie)

Hope you're all having a good night. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...

Day Forty Two

Hmm...not sure what to write about tonight. I feel like these posts are starting to be repetitious and maybe it's time for a break, but I think this is something I need to stick with. I had kind of a weird day today. Got up and took a shower and got dressed. We went out to breakfast with Josh, Megan, Matt and Mom and Dad. We went out to Eggsclusive out in Sycamore. It was great. Never bad. I drove out there by myself because I had to go out to work to work on a computer that had to be reformatted by tomorrow. The drive time yields lots of free time to think. I think about me, my quest to be healthy, the past, the future...It kinda sucks in a way. I weighed myself this morning. I lost the 4 lbs that I gained last week, but I feel like I've lost more than that. I can feel it in my clothes. My jeans are falling off of me and I had to drill a new hole in my belt this morning. I think I'm going to start weighing in every two weeks from now on...seeing the scale be stationery sucks and I get down on myself. I had one of those days today where I just miss a lot of the past. I miss how my life was when I was with my ex girlfriend. I had so much to do all the time, I had that family feeling, I felt like I was making someone really special very happy. That's all I want to do is make someone great really happy and have a wonderful family. Most days, I do just fine and then I have one of those days where I just completely miss her and her daughter. A part of me was brought out by those two that I never knew existed and now that part of me has gone back into hiding and I want him back sometimes. I know, it's been over two months and it's time to move on, but then days like this just creep up on me. Oh well, tomorrow is another day for sure. On a separate note, I have a slow leak in a tire on my truck and I need to get it fixed tomorrow. I can probably go to work safely with it, but it needs to be fixed on the way home for sure, so I made an appointment to get it fixed. I have warranties on my tires, so let's hope they cover it. I don't feel like shelling out $120 for a new tire. Bears disappointed today, but that's ok, they'll bounce back! I hope this rain goes away so I can walk/ride tomorrow morning. Emily ran a half marathon today and I'm so proud of her. One of these days I'll be able to run with her. Well, I'm off to watch some Sunday Night Football and do a little laundry. I hope you all had a great weekend, and hope you have a great night! Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...

Day Forty One

Slept in a little bit this morning. Got up and realized that I had broken my CPAP mask in the middle of the night. I ripped the front piece out and threw the mask across the room. Again! I don't remember doing it, but I remember having a recurring frustrating dream and I was probably upset. Anyways, it's fixed. Got up and went to breakfast with Matt and came home to clean the yard. We borrowed Josh's tow behind yard sweeper. That thing rocks! Made the yard look amazing. I am looking forward to using it after all the leaves fall. After that, Matt went to work and I took a nap. I haven't napped in over two years! After my nap I went to work and reorganized my electronics rack in the data center because it's been driving me nuts. It looked so horrible and I have been wanting to reorganize it badly for some time now. Did that and came home to help Matt powerwash the driveway and some other stuff and had dinner with my family. We sat outside tonight and had a fire. We're going out for breakfast in the morning, so that'll be good. Looking forward to another night of rest. I'm exhausted! I hope all of you had a good night! Goodnight friends... Catch you on the flipside.

Day Forty

Well, today was kind of boring. Had this lonely feeling today. Just felt like there wasn't much going on all of a sudden. Probably because I had so much work to do. Got a lot done today for sure. Lots of stuff to do tomorrow too. Went out to Outback tonight with a friend, my brothers and sister in law. Had a lot of fun. When I got home, I could just totally feel that I've been losing weight. Before I started this journey, my jeans were always really tight and I had one hole left to use on my belt. today when I was walking into the house, I found that I had to hold my pants up... And that was with the belt as tight as it will go. So, I know it's disappearing! Slowly but surely. Just thought I'd share the info. I'm sorry I'm not writing a lot tonight. I'm really tired tonight and can't wait to hit the sack. Hope everyone had a great day and a great night. Goodnight friends, catch you on the flipside.

Day Thirty Nine

Frozen!!! I'm still cold! I got up nice and early, but didn't get out to the bike ride until a little after 6:30. When I took off, my boss was out on the road running, so I followed him. He did great! Kinda cool to know that there's someone else out there working hard too. I did the lap up to the Honda Ramp and back and did about 4 more laps around our ramp befor I was completely and utterly frozen to the core. My hands were blue and my eyes were tearing up. When I got inside, I started coughing so hard I almost passed out. I guess my lungs just were not up to this cold just yet. I worked pretty hard today on those hills and I was breathing pretty hard, so my lungs got a good workout. I coughed until like 2pm...horrible! Had some good laughs with Al today. What a good buddy. He's the man. He needs to hire me for line service. He would have me slimmed down in a heartbeat! When I got home, I went for a little ride and then hung out at Josh's for a bit and now I'm home working on some stuff. I'm STILL cold! Can't wait to go up and curl up in bed and crash. I really want to sleep in tomorrow, but maybe I will do that Saturday morning. :) I have to work this weekend, but oh well. Just let me sleep in a little! :)

Hope you all had a great day and are having a great night... goodnight, Friends. Catch you on the flipside...

Day Thirty Eight

Great day today. Started out with a great bike ride. I rode 10.3 miles today. Kept a steady pace and did it with no problem. Yep, I was tired, sore and had a hard time finishing, but it was good. I felt really good about it. Got into work and got a new product added to the store and put out some releases. A buddy at work bought me lunch for helping him out with some stuff at home with his computer. We had a nice talk. Talked about the events over the summer, what his brother and sister have been up to...good talk. His sister and I were very close a few years back and there are days I still miss the talks she and I used to have. She was my biggest fan. :) After we talked, I got a few more things done and went back to the office. I came back to seeing Tex, one of the pilots at work waiting for me in my office. When we talked, he said it looked like I've noticeably lost some weight...that's two people in two days that have said that to me...I must be doing something right! I left work and grabbed a sandwich for dinner on the way home and did a few things on the computer. I'm watching a few episodes of House and then I'm off to bed. I hope all of you have a great night tonight! Thanks for reading my ramblings again...catch you on the flipside! :)

Day Thirty Seven

Life has some interesting moments. Little things here and there remind me of who I really am and who I really strive to be. I never realized how addicting exercise could be. I took off on my bike this morning and headed for a loop around the airport. Went from the Mike ramp parking lot all the way over to JA and did a loop and went back. Only like 3.5 miles, but the bike broke as I got back around the truck, so I had to stop. Walked a little and then went to work. I have a new project to take care of at work now, so this weekend should be interesting. I have a lot I want to do to the rack in the IT room, so this weekend may be a perfect time to get it done. I was supposed to go down to Monticello this weekend to help out with a contest, but I need to get this project done and I have to do it alone, so I guess I'm staying here. Shame, cuz I was really looking forward to going down there. :( I really need to take some time off soon I think. I need to do some more soul searching and relax.

When I got home this afternoon, I went and sat outside with my mom and talked. When I walked up, she had asked me how much weight I've lost and I said "I don't know the exact number, but why?" She said "I can tell you've lost weight!" That felt so good to hear. I haven't heard it from anyone else really voluntarily out of nowhere, but it felt good to hear. I can't wait to get to bed tonight...I'm so tired. I feel like the days are going by so fast...almost like I'm losing time and I can't get enough done during the day. Is that normal? It's almost like I've found myself with so much time that I am trying to overfill it so I have no time to reflect...probably not healthy, huh?

Well, I'm off to bed, friends...have a great night and I'll catch you on the flipside. Goodnight. :)

Day Thirty Six

Had a long day today. Got up early and went into work. I really felt like crap all day today. Probably had something to do with my lack of sleep last night. I didn't ride the bike today because I just felt totally nauseous. Started working and finally got the new hard drive for our server in this morning. I really needed to get that in...the server has been driving me nuts with access problems and data problems. So, getting that new drive in today was critical. All my log files had been getting to be overfilled with errors and this seems to alleviate the problems. It finally rebuilt itself by like 8pm tonight. A restart of the box and it's good to go. Working nice and quick.

Had one of those moments today where I was regretting something. I had a chance to do something this weekend and never took it. I should have done it, but as usual, I'm a big chicken shit and was afraid to open myself up to failure and rejection. What a bunch of crap! Maybe someday I'll quit being such a nerd and just learn to live and have some fun for once in my life instead of playing it safe all the time.

When I got home from work, I changed my clothes and we cooked chicken on the grill. It was great! After dinner, Josh, Matt, Megan and I went to the new HobbyTown USA store that moved and checked it out. I bought a few wooden models, but they kinda suck, so I'll have to do something else with them. They were only $3 each. Oh well. A little graphics design work and I'm off to bed.

Hope you all are having a great night. Goodnight friends. Catch you on the flipside...

Day Thirty Five

It's late and I'm really trying to get to bed. I just took a shower and did some laundry. Pretty discouraged right now. I got on the scale after I took a shower and it says I gained 4lbs. I busted my ass this past week and that's what I get? :( I guess I just have to try harder. Maybe the biking is really building lots of muscle. I did stop taking the diuretic I was on too, so maybe water has lots to do with it. Been stressed at work as well... Who knows! All I know is I have to try and sleep this off because I'm really upset about this. Just gotta get up, dust myself off and keep going, right? Oh well... Goodnight friends... Catch you on the flipside. Goodnight.

Day Thirty Four

Where to begin today... I went to the Waukegan airshow this morning. My friend Kellie wanted to come along, so we headed out. Stopped to get lunch on the way and got to the show around 1pm. Traffic was worse than we thought. The show was great! Vlado Lenoch was there with his P-51, Dave Dacy and Tony Kazian wingwalking team, F-18 and A-10 demos... Pretty cool! It was really nice to have some free aviation time. We had a great time. Had Chinese for dinner and saw Columbiana at AMC. The movie was great, but the two girls behind us would NOT stop talking on their phones and yapping at each other. Ergh! Why the hell would you spend $8 to go to a movie and sit and talk on your damn phone the entire time?!? Idiots! :) Today was a good day. I can't wait to have a great nights sleep tonight! Hope you all had a great day today! Goodnight friends! Catch you on the flipside...

Day Thirty Three

Another day in the books. Today was great. I started the day by riding 6.8 miles on the bike. Good air, good music...I just felt great. Rode for a while and then started at work...seems like the days are being pretty monotonous, huh? It's a routine, but it's going well. Yep, I need to do something fun, crazy and unlike me. Suggestions? :) Not much to say tonight, except I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow morning. 7am will feel awesome! Waukegan airshow with an old friend tomorrow. Hope the weather is good! Hope you all are having a great night. Goodnight friends, catch you on the flipside. :)

Day Thirty Two

Well, today I felt better than I have in a long long time. I feel so strong now. I rode almost 8 miles on the bike today. I rode all over that damn airport today! :) I went down the access road, all the way over to the North Mike Ramp and back and did laps and laps around our ramp. I found myself just messing around on the ramp with the bike weaving in and out of the pillars of the canopy and just enjoyed it! I felt like a little kid again! I really can't believe I'm changing like this. I walk around feeling so much better than I have in years. I've realized a lot of things in the last couple of months about life and about myself. I truly have come to understand that only I have the power over everything that happens to me. I never thought I'd be riding around on a bike like this...so much fun. Not a whole lot to say today...I'm gonna keep a lot of how I feel today to myself. My feelings are just for me today. There's so much I could say right now, but it's for me and my heart. Today was just a good day and I'll leave it at that.

Day Thirty One

Hey! Well, this has been a long, but good day! Started at 4:30am... Up, shower...at work by 5:15. Today, I decided to do something a little adventurous and probably a tad dangerous. I rode my bike up and down the runways at the airport this morning. I had a radio with me to listen for traffic so I didnt end up with a Learjet up my ass, so I was taking the proper precautions. It was fun being out there! So cool and quiet and calm. I did take a minute at the end of 15/33 to take a picture and listen to how quiet it was. Totally great morning. I got back and did a bunch of laps around our ramp and did a total of 6.4 miles. Not bad! I am looking forward to hitting that 10 mile mark and more! I can definitely feel myself getting stronger! Feels amazing. Haven't felt this strong in years. I just know things will be great soon. I watched that movie on YouTube entitled "My 120-Pound Journey" again this afternoon. It just makes me cry everytime I watch it. I feel just like that guy and the song just totally hits home with me. The dude loses a ton of weight and finds love and happiness again after losing a relationship and being so sad. He's a total inspiration and as sad as that video is, it gives me a boost of hope and inspiration. I'll get there, just gotta stick to it. I feel good other than being exhausted all the time, but it will be worth it. All this weight, sadness and boredom will finally materialize into happiness, love and a new life. All because I finally focused on myself for a change. Can't wait to get there. Thank you my friends for your continued support. I love you guys/gals! Time for bed! Catch you on the flipside... Goodnight, Friends

Day Thirty

Well, I screwed up today...I overslept bigtime! I woke up at like 7:15am! I didn't get to fall asleep until like 2 or 3am. I was just inundated with thoughts last night about everything! I had this elaborate plan to go ride somewhere cool on the bike this morning and I had no time now...ugh! Work was ok today. I had a lot of time to work on a new laptop for a new employee. Other than that, today was pretty uneventful! Not a whole lot going on. When I left work, I decided to just go straight home and start doing some more work. I have a ton to do for my other job, so I had to get started on that. We had Jimmy John's for dinner. I got a letter in the mail today that really stressed me out and now I have to figure out what to do about that and I don't know what to do... :( Ugh...more shit to worry about. :(

Anyways, more work tonight and then off to bed as soon as possible. I have to do some laundry tonight and then I'm going to dreamland...provided I can actually sleep tonight. Hopefully I won't have that problem again. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside. :)

Day Twenty Nine

Well, today didn't start the way I had planned, but it definitely turned out great! I planned on getting up super early and heading out to work to ride my bike, but I ended up over sleeping until like 8am!! Yikes! I must have really needed it though. I got up, took a shower and weighed in. Now, since I have been riding my bike like crazy and working out as much as possible, I had figured that I had lost a lot of weight, but I only lost 4lbs. Now, I say "only", but Luciana made a good point when she reminded me that I could be building muscle as well. Good point, Lucy! So, 4lbs...I'll take that.

Finished getting dressed and came down to breakfast being cooked. It was nice. A family friend came by for breakfast so we sat out on the porch and enjoyed the weather and we talked for a while. At about 2pm, Dan and I went to HobbyTown and picked up a new little plane for him and then went out to the Fox Valley flying field in St. Charles. We had a great time. Saw some old friends and had a lot of laughs and a few beers. It was fun. My buddy Dave Gustafson let me fly the sequence with his 40% Extra 300. It was sweet. So much fun. I felt like I hadn't lost the touch. Brought back some old memories man...that was fun. I took Dan back home and came back out to hang out some more and ended up staying until past dark BSing with Dave and Doug. What a great time. Even just hanging out with those guys is enough to want to get back into the hobby. Now I'm home and ready for bed and ready to get back to work in the morning. Hopefully this will be an awesome week. I have plans to go to the airshow in Waukegan on Saturday and can't wait. C'mon week...let's "fly" by!!

Hope you all had a great Labor Day and hope you all get a good night sleep. Catch you on the flipside! Goodnight, friends...

Day Twenty Eight

Slept in a little again today. I was up at 7:30am. A year ago, I wouldn't have considered that sleeping in, but times have changed! I got up, took a shower and headed out to the model airlane field to see some friends. I still have nothing to fly, but I like the friendships I've developed out there. I know everyone and everyone is always happy to see each other and catch up with each other even if it's only been a week since we've seen each other. Nicest people in the world out there for sure.

At about noon, I decided to go get some lunch, so I went to Portillos and grabbed a salad and a diet coke and decided to go out to the field in St. Charles and see if any of my friends were out there too, but there wasn't anyone there at all! Surprising considering the weather. When I got home, I couldn't stand seeing how long the grass had grown in the yard, so I went and got gas for the mower and came back and mowed the grass. It looks so much better. I don't know why, but taking the time to mow and make the yard look better gives me some kind of weird satisfaction. After I mowed, I went over to Dan's to hang out for a bit and we played some MLB and had a few beers. Now I'm home and ready for bed. I'm going to get up early (Yes, even though it's a holiday) and go out to the airport and ride my bike and come back home. There's something I want to do and it might be kind of fun ;)...yeah yeah...I'm a geek, but you all know that. Hope you all are having a nice weekend and you're all enjoying yourselves. Have a great night and I'll catch you on the flipside...

Day Twenty Seven

Today was a great day. Started my day by biking. When I woke up, I really was looking forward to laying in bed, but I also wanted to do something different. I decided that I NEEDED to do a bike ride. I knew my best friends, Dan and Emily, were having a garage sale, so I thought it'd be perfect to go visit on the bike. So, Matt and I took off on the bikes and went up the bike path to Kirk Road and north to Tyler to Madison and cut thru the side roads. It was a good ride! When we pulled up, Emily seemed so excited to see me on the bike. It felt good knowing that I rode all that way! We talked for a bit and laughed a little and then Matt and I road back home to get the Suburban and breakfast. After breakfast, I went back over to Dan and Emily's to pay for the bike that Matt bought at their garage sale and to hang out a bit. I ended up staying for quite a while. Dan and I went and got lunch and I hung around and chatted al afternoon. It was great. I gotta tell you. I love those guys. It's so nice to be able to spend some time with great people. I always have a good time over there and they're definitely family to me and I love them a lot. They've always been huge support for me in everything and are the first ones to offer a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. The last two months for me have been pretty hard and they've really helped me see that the best thing to do to cope with everything is to focus on myself. Since I've started doing that, I've felt pretty good. When I decided that I can't move on with my life until I can get my weight under control and back to a manageable number, things have been a lot better. Things will definitely be good sooner than I think. I think about the future every day and try not to think about the past too much. Being around for everyone I know and for those I haven't met yet means a lot to me and I do nothing but look forward to those days, but right now I have to enjoy my life with my friends and my family. I can't say enough about my friends and family supporting me. I even had one of the girls at work tell me they were going to come in early and ride bikes with me in the morning and one of my buddies said he's even come and run with me one morning. How cool is that? I guess I never really realized how much my friends and family really loved me until recently. I mean, I knew everyone loved me, but I guess the kind of support I'm getting now just blows me away and I'm truly humbled. Sometimes I feel like I'm not worthy, but if I had a friend that needed me a lot like I do right now, I'd be there for them as well. I guess it goes back to saying "You get what you give."

I love my friends...they absolutely mean the world to me and I can't say enough good about them. Thanks to everyone for everything...the love, the laughs, the support and most of all, the life that am bringing back for myself that I had forgotten I had stored up inside me. Love you all. Hope everyone is having a good night. Catch you on the flipside!

Mikey

Day Twenty Six

Woke up a bit late this morning. I was up at 5am and out the door by 5:30am. First time on the new bike seat, so this was going to be interesting. It's definitely different for sure, but 300% more comfortable than the old one. I'm so glad I bought it. I started riding down the parking lot and went down to Rt. 30 and then thru our corporate gate and onto the ramp. I did a lap from our ramp to the Lumanair ramp and back 3 times. That comes out to be 4.5 miles alone. After the couple of laps, I got off the bike and walked a lap around our ramp just to loosen up my hands and arms and just get a different workout. After my walk, I jumped back on the bike and did one more lap around the Luman ramp again and down the access road. Best I can calculate, it comes to about 6.5 miles. Not too bad!! I'm feeling really good about it. I am so happy to be riding that bike!

Work was nice today. Had a lot to do and got to start setting up a new laptop for our new installation guy. I'm excited to see how he does. Should be cool! I had plans to go to lunch with my friend Kellie because she was going to be in the area visiting everyone at JA. She worked here for 18 years or so. A couple of our other friends, Michelle and Erik joined us with their 5 month old son, Ian. It was fun. Michelle worked in our maintenance department and Erik is our chief pilot. They're great and we had a lot of fun. It was good to see everyone. I see Erik all the time, but Michelle and Kellie have been away for a while. After lunch, I finished setting up the laptop and got some things done on our online store. I got home and wanted to take a big nap, but I ended up heading over to Josh's to hang out a little and then Matt and I had dinner. It was a good day and I am grateful that I got to work as hard as I did and got to see some old friends. I am so thankful for all my friends that make me smile every day. I really had a great week overall. Couple bad days, but today made it all worth while. Al, Shalene and Megan at work had me laughing pretty hard today at the front counter and believe me, I needed it. So glad I have so many people that truly love me. I thank God for them every single day.

I hope everyone has a great night! Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside!

Day Twenty Five

Rolled over to turn my alarm off around 4:30am again this morning. Boy, it would have been really easy to say "screw this...I'm sleeping in today", but I got up and made the best out of my day. I took a long hot shower this morning and got dressed. Watched the news for 15 minutes and headed in. I beat Al to work! Holy crap! That's a first. Usually Al is the first one there to open everything up. :) Got into the office and set up my iPhone band and hit the ramp. My back was really hurting this morning, so I decided to do a lot on the bike this morning. I rode a little over 5 miles this morning. I figured out if I ride a lap from our ramp across the airport to the other ramp and come back, it comes out to be 1.5 miles for one lap. So, I did that and 7 laps around our own ramp. My butt was so sore from that seat, but I made the best of it. It ended up feeling really good to ride that far. I was extremely pleased that I could go that far. I don't really coast that much either. I pedal pretty consistently! After that, I went to the FBO and had my morning chat with Shalene and had a few laughs. That's always good for the soul in the morning. :) Work was pretty good today. Had some nice sales, got a lot done and had fun today. I love my job. Yeah, it's a pain listening to everyone complain, but I love solving problems and being needed. Got some new employees set up with new email addresses and am preparing for a new employee as well. We're very excited! When I got home, I saw a box for me from Amazon.com. It was my new bike seat! Sweet! I ran out to the garage to put it on and try it out. It's SOO much more comfortable! I can't wait to try it out in the morning. I rode over to Josh's to show Megan and they wanted to go out to dinner. So, Josh, Megan, Matt and I went to Chili's for dinner and now I'm at home ready for bed. Watched a little of the Bears and as soon as I'm done writing, I'm heading to bed. Had a pretty good day today, friends. I'm starting to get that drive knowing that whatever I'd doing will lead to me finally getting that chance to fly an airplane on my own soon. I want to fly an airplane by my 31st birthday. My buddy Ben is really looking forward to being my flight instructor. We'll have a blast flying together. I can't wait!!

Hope you all have a great night. Tomorrow should be a good day. Lunch with a great friend I haven't seen in a long time and I plan on totally sleeping in this weekend. I need a break this weekend for sure.

Goodnight, friends! Thanks for reading again! Love ya!

Day Twenty Four

Got up around 4:30am and watched a little tv and took a shower. I was so tired. I slept very little last night. I have so much on my mind these last few days. I am in that mindset that what's on my mind just isn't going to change overnight and it's going to get better with time and that's all there is to it. Time will take care of it I guess. No matter how much I talk about it with others, it doesn't change the fact that the problem isn't going to fix itself, but the pain will go away with time. That's all there is to it. So, not much I can do about it but let it go away. Anyways, I got to work and stretched a little. I was so stressed this morning, I had it in my head that I was going to do the Couch to 5K thing. When I started it, it wasn't so bad, but it is SOOOO hard for me to jog. I can barely breathe when I jog...it just kills me. So, I jogged as much as I could and walked the entire 30 minutes. After that, I went into the hangar and got my bike. I did about 3.5 miles. I did a bunch of laps around the ramp and then went down the taxiway to the other ramp over by Chicago Jet Group and SkyHaven and did a lap around their ramp and came back. My butt was killing me again, but it's getting better. I have really come to enjoy riding the bike. The wind in my face and the speed of it...really digging it. I haven't ridden a bike in years and I've missed it. So, the bike is great so far.

I was talking to my friend Dave today and he's been working on losing weight too. He just recently got his pilot's license. Dave and I have a goal. Both of us need to get to a certain weight and then we're going to fly in a Diamond DA-20 together. We've got a goal. I am dying to fly with friends!! Today, Ben told me he wants to teach me to fly when I get there...that is awesome.

Work went ok today, just a little hard to stay awake! :) I got a lot done and after work, I decided to change clothes again and ride a little more after work. I rode another 2 miles after work just because I wanted to. I didn't have to force it. I felt good. One of the girls at work had resigned, so I stuck around a little bit to say goodbye and chat for a few and then headed home. I stopped at Portillo's and got a salad and ate dinner. Now, I'm really trying to finish writing this so I can get to bed. I am just exhausted. I hope I can sleep tonight and hope my CPAP mask doesn't end up on the other side of the room tonight! I'm not sure what the hell goes on in the middle of the night in my room, but that friggin thing was all the way on the other side of my room. Now, I have a big room and I sleep on a California King size bed and this thing was on the complete opposite end of the room. Who knows...I'm hoping it stays on tonight. :)

Tired...bedtime. Goodnight friends. Thanks for reading my rants and complaints. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Twenty Three

Pheww.....where to start tonight...

Didn't sleep a wink last night. I just couldn't get into that mode. I had so many things in my head that bounced around my head like a game of pong. Back and forth, back and forth...all friggin' night long. I sat up in bed last night with all of this brain garbage and self-defeating crap whipping around like a tether ball around a pole...around and around it goes...when it hits the end of the rope, it unwinds and goes the other direction. I guess I just kept wanting time to speed up. Time heals all wounds and time is plentiful. I want it to speed up, but I want more of it and I want some back too.

I pretty much don't remember my drive to work this morning. I was exhausted. Got to work, did my walk and proceeded with my day. Work was pretty busy today. I got a lot accomplished and have a bunch to do tomorrow. Got home, ate dinner, did a few things on the computer and now I'm writing and getting ready to do laundry so I can go to bed early. I can't believe it's almost 7pm and I'm ready for bed. What 30 year old does that?!?

On the way home, I heard a song by Steven Tyler and Carlos Santana called "Just Feel Better" I kept hearing a line that says "I'll do anything to just feel better". I know in my heart that the changes I'm making right now at this moment hurt like hell and put me thru a lot of physical and emotional pain, but in some way, it's really making me feel better. Nothing worth while is ever easy. Many people have heard me say that to them thru the years and now I have to listen to my own advice. I have to do this to find myself. ME...I need to find MY LIFE, not the life I've outside this shell. I will and would do anything for anyone at any time of day. I have this motto that a friend of mine keeps and it has bled over to me. "If I have it, and you need it, it's all yours. No questions asked." Deep down inside me is a strong, loving, caring, good-hearted, giving, selfless soul that is weakened by this outer shell...I'll be damned if I'm going to be stuck in here any more. No matter how painful or difficult, I'm going to do anything to just feel better.

Goodnight, my friends. Catch you on the flipside. Love ya

New Life - Day Twenty Two

Hi all! So...I just deleted everything I just typed in tonight's note. I went off on a rant about something that just isn't appropriate for the notes here. Some day I'll elaborate, but here goes tonight's note. Wake up time was normal, but I gotta tell ya, I don't think I'm really used to getting up this early yet. I really had to force myself out of bed this morning. But, the hot shower really made me feel better. That scale was hissing at me this morning while I was in the shower and I knew I had to step on it to shut it up though. Jumped on and saw a 6lbs loss. Not too bad! I must be doing something right!

Before I went to work, I loaded my bike up in the Suburban and decided to ride it at least a little today. My butt is KILLING me from that bike seat, so I found a "No Pressure" bike seat from Schwinn online today that is more like a squared seat. My but just doesn't adjust to that seat on my bike. I'm excited to see how the new seat is! I rode to our fuel farm on the other side of the airport and back. That's 2 miles right there. Then I did two laps around our ramp which is a mile. After the bike ride, I walked another mile. Every day is getting easier and I know someday I'm gonna be doing it without my back hurting, so all I can do is press on, baby! After that, I parked the bike in the hangar and got to work. Work was pretty slow today, but I made the best of it by checking on some things that I haven't had the time to check on with our server and website.

Before lunch, I went over to the FBO to get a bottle of Diet Coke and when I walked up to the desk, Shalene said "Where's the smile today?" I said "I am so tired and SOOOO sore!" My butt is just killing me from that bike. I told Shalene the number for today and she was so excited. Everyone is so excited to see my progress and it's awesome motivation. I know I can do this. It's so hard to know that it's going to take a long time to get it done, but my buddy Dave today made it known that I have completed 25% of my goal! At the beginning of 2010, I had been at my all-time heaviest. No, I'm not releasing that horrifying number. Since then, I have lost 77lbs total. That is 25% of my goal. You can do the math. Dave figured out that if I keep up this pace, I can start flight training in the spring!! Holy crap...if I can do that, I'll be SOO HAPPY!!! That is one of many of my goals.

This weight thing eats at me every single day and knowing that I have to do this before I can start flying and maybe try dating again really lingers in my heart every day and might be the one thing that makes me sad. I had a couple of people today ask me if I have been dating anyone and truthfully, the thought of dating anyone right now makes me sick to my stomach. There is no way my heart is ready for that at all. I have to get myself healthy and be happy with myself before I can try and date again. There is so much I regret about missing out on in my recent relationship that I don't want to put another person through the burdens or lack of fun that I feel like I put my ex-girlfriend through. She put up with a lot and I don't want anyone else to have to go thru that kind of stuff again. She deserved a lot better than that. I don't want to hold anyone back again. I just want to be normal and not be "handicapped"(for a lack of a better word) and really have the ability to do ANYTHING with whomever may cross my path in the future.

Anyways, it's late and I still need to do laundry. So, with that, I bid you all a good night and hope you all had a great day today! Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...

New Life - Day Twenty One

Woke up with a headache this morning, but I'm guessing it's because I had ripped my CPAP machine off in the middle of the night for some reason. Yikes! I found it on the other side of the room. I must have been pissed about something. haha! Anyways, I took a shower and got dressed and went downstairs and went outside to the shop (garage). I call it a shop since cars go in a garage. This is for airplanes and projects. :) Opened the door and let the fresh air in, turned on the TV and watched a little of the news. I went up to CVS to get a bottle of advil and new bottle of Osteo BiFlex. I had a moment of weakness and got a couple bottles of Fuze. I love Fuze. Good thing it's good for you! :) So, I came home, sat down on my new leather "couch" in the shop and watched "Me, Myself and Irene" and enjoyed the fresh air and a bottle of Fuze. Sunday morning means family breakfast. Megan and Josh came over and we had a nice big breakfast. Butch and his sons, Phillip and Lucas came over and joined us and we had a blast playing with them in the shop. Lucas was playing with Matt's RC car on the floor and when he pushed it on the floor, I made it go forward with the remote and he looked shocked! Like he was superman! It was hilarious and he loved it. After they left to put Lucas down for a nap, Megan, Josh, Matt and I started talking about going for a bike ride. My bike has shitty tires and Josh went and checked the pressure in them to make sure they were inflated right and we decided to go for a ride. We took off and headed toward route 25 and the bike trail. We rode down to Mill Race Cyclery and waited for Matt to meet us and then we rode down to Batavia. Went a little past Fabyan Park and headed back. My butt was killing me from the seat on the bike, but it felt SOOO good to ride the bike again. Haven't ridden a bike in years really and it feels so good. I think I might ride at work tomorrow morning. We'll see how I'm feeling. When I got back, I was pooped, but it felt great...if that makes any sense at all. Did a little work tonight, watching some House M.D. episodes, and now I'm ready for bed. I hope you all are having a great weekend and I hope you have a good night. Thanks for reading my babbling happenings every night. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...G'Night.