Day Twenty Four

Got up around 4:30am and watched a little tv and took a shower. I was so tired. I slept very little last night. I have so much on my mind these last few days. I am in that mindset that what's on my mind just isn't going to change overnight and it's going to get better with time and that's all there is to it. Time will take care of it I guess. No matter how much I talk about it with others, it doesn't change the fact that the problem isn't going to fix itself, but the pain will go away with time. That's all there is to it. So, not much I can do about it but let it go away. Anyways, I got to work and stretched a little. I was so stressed this morning, I had it in my head that I was going to do the Couch to 5K thing. When I started it, it wasn't so bad, but it is SOOOO hard for me to jog. I can barely breathe when I jog...it just kills me. So, I jogged as much as I could and walked the entire 30 minutes. After that, I went into the hangar and got my bike. I did about 3.5 miles. I did a bunch of laps around the ramp and then went down the taxiway to the other ramp over by Chicago Jet Group and SkyHaven and did a lap around their ramp and came back. My butt was killing me again, but it's getting better. I have really come to enjoy riding the bike. The wind in my face and the speed of it...really digging it. I haven't ridden a bike in years and I've missed it. So, the bike is great so far.

I was talking to my friend Dave today and he's been working on losing weight too. He just recently got his pilot's license. Dave and I have a goal. Both of us need to get to a certain weight and then we're going to fly in a Diamond DA-20 together. We've got a goal. I am dying to fly with friends!! Today, Ben told me he wants to teach me to fly when I get there...that is awesome.

Work went ok today, just a little hard to stay awake! :) I got a lot done and after work, I decided to change clothes again and ride a little more after work. I rode another 2 miles after work just because I wanted to. I didn't have to force it. I felt good. One of the girls at work had resigned, so I stuck around a little bit to say goodbye and chat for a few and then headed home. I stopped at Portillo's and got a salad and ate dinner. Now, I'm really trying to finish writing this so I can get to bed. I am just exhausted. I hope I can sleep tonight and hope my CPAP mask doesn't end up on the other side of the room tonight! I'm not sure what the hell goes on in the middle of the night in my room, but that friggin thing was all the way on the other side of my room. Now, I have a big room and I sleep on a California King size bed and this thing was on the complete opposite end of the room. Who knows...I'm hoping it stays on tonight. :)

Tired...bedtime. Goodnight friends. Thanks for reading my rants and complaints. Catch you on the flipside.

Day Twenty Three

Pheww.....where to start tonight...

Didn't sleep a wink last night. I just couldn't get into that mode. I had so many things in my head that bounced around my head like a game of pong. Back and forth, back and forth...all friggin' night long. I sat up in bed last night with all of this brain garbage and self-defeating crap whipping around like a tether ball around a pole...around and around it goes...when it hits the end of the rope, it unwinds and goes the other direction. I guess I just kept wanting time to speed up. Time heals all wounds and time is plentiful. I want it to speed up, but I want more of it and I want some back too.

I pretty much don't remember my drive to work this morning. I was exhausted. Got to work, did my walk and proceeded with my day. Work was pretty busy today. I got a lot accomplished and have a bunch to do tomorrow. Got home, ate dinner, did a few things on the computer and now I'm writing and getting ready to do laundry so I can go to bed early. I can't believe it's almost 7pm and I'm ready for bed. What 30 year old does that?!?

On the way home, I heard a song by Steven Tyler and Carlos Santana called "Just Feel Better" I kept hearing a line that says "I'll do anything to just feel better". I know in my heart that the changes I'm making right now at this moment hurt like hell and put me thru a lot of physical and emotional pain, but in some way, it's really making me feel better. Nothing worth while is ever easy. Many people have heard me say that to them thru the years and now I have to listen to my own advice. I have to do this to find myself. ME...I need to find MY LIFE, not the life I've outside this shell. I will and would do anything for anyone at any time of day. I have this motto that a friend of mine keeps and it has bled over to me. "If I have it, and you need it, it's all yours. No questions asked." Deep down inside me is a strong, loving, caring, good-hearted, giving, selfless soul that is weakened by this outer shell...I'll be damned if I'm going to be stuck in here any more. No matter how painful or difficult, I'm going to do anything to just feel better.

Goodnight, my friends. Catch you on the flipside. Love ya

New Life - Day Twenty Two

Hi all! So...I just deleted everything I just typed in tonight's note. I went off on a rant about something that just isn't appropriate for the notes here. Some day I'll elaborate, but here goes tonight's note. Wake up time was normal, but I gotta tell ya, I don't think I'm really used to getting up this early yet. I really had to force myself out of bed this morning. But, the hot shower really made me feel better. That scale was hissing at me this morning while I was in the shower and I knew I had to step on it to shut it up though. Jumped on and saw a 6lbs loss. Not too bad! I must be doing something right!

Before I went to work, I loaded my bike up in the Suburban and decided to ride it at least a little today. My butt is KILLING me from that bike seat, so I found a "No Pressure" bike seat from Schwinn online today that is more like a squared seat. My but just doesn't adjust to that seat on my bike. I'm excited to see how the new seat is! I rode to our fuel farm on the other side of the airport and back. That's 2 miles right there. Then I did two laps around our ramp which is a mile. After the bike ride, I walked another mile. Every day is getting easier and I know someday I'm gonna be doing it without my back hurting, so all I can do is press on, baby! After that, I parked the bike in the hangar and got to work. Work was pretty slow today, but I made the best of it by checking on some things that I haven't had the time to check on with our server and website.

Before lunch, I went over to the FBO to get a bottle of Diet Coke and when I walked up to the desk, Shalene said "Where's the smile today?" I said "I am so tired and SOOOO sore!" My butt is just killing me from that bike. I told Shalene the number for today and she was so excited. Everyone is so excited to see my progress and it's awesome motivation. I know I can do this. It's so hard to know that it's going to take a long time to get it done, but my buddy Dave today made it known that I have completed 25% of my goal! At the beginning of 2010, I had been at my all-time heaviest. No, I'm not releasing that horrifying number. Since then, I have lost 77lbs total. That is 25% of my goal. You can do the math. Dave figured out that if I keep up this pace, I can start flight training in the spring!! Holy crap...if I can do that, I'll be SOO HAPPY!!! That is one of many of my goals.

This weight thing eats at me every single day and knowing that I have to do this before I can start flying and maybe try dating again really lingers in my heart every day and might be the one thing that makes me sad. I had a couple of people today ask me if I have been dating anyone and truthfully, the thought of dating anyone right now makes me sick to my stomach. There is no way my heart is ready for that at all. I have to get myself healthy and be happy with myself before I can try and date again. There is so much I regret about missing out on in my recent relationship that I don't want to put another person through the burdens or lack of fun that I feel like I put my ex-girlfriend through. She put up with a lot and I don't want anyone else to have to go thru that kind of stuff again. She deserved a lot better than that. I don't want to hold anyone back again. I just want to be normal and not be "handicapped"(for a lack of a better word) and really have the ability to do ANYTHING with whomever may cross my path in the future.

Anyways, it's late and I still need to do laundry. So, with that, I bid you all a good night and hope you all had a great day today! Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...

New Life - Day Twenty One

Woke up with a headache this morning, but I'm guessing it's because I had ripped my CPAP machine off in the middle of the night for some reason. Yikes! I found it on the other side of the room. I must have been pissed about something. haha! Anyways, I took a shower and got dressed and went downstairs and went outside to the shop (garage). I call it a shop since cars go in a garage. This is for airplanes and projects. :) Opened the door and let the fresh air in, turned on the TV and watched a little of the news. I went up to CVS to get a bottle of advil and new bottle of Osteo BiFlex. I had a moment of weakness and got a couple bottles of Fuze. I love Fuze. Good thing it's good for you! :) So, I came home, sat down on my new leather "couch" in the shop and watched "Me, Myself and Irene" and enjoyed the fresh air and a bottle of Fuze. Sunday morning means family breakfast. Megan and Josh came over and we had a nice big breakfast. Butch and his sons, Phillip and Lucas came over and joined us and we had a blast playing with them in the shop. Lucas was playing with Matt's RC car on the floor and when he pushed it on the floor, I made it go forward with the remote and he looked shocked! Like he was superman! It was hilarious and he loved it. After they left to put Lucas down for a nap, Megan, Josh, Matt and I started talking about going for a bike ride. My bike has shitty tires and Josh went and checked the pressure in them to make sure they were inflated right and we decided to go for a ride. We took off and headed toward route 25 and the bike trail. We rode down to Mill Race Cyclery and waited for Matt to meet us and then we rode down to Batavia. Went a little past Fabyan Park and headed back. My butt was killing me from the seat on the bike, but it felt SOOO good to ride the bike again. Haven't ridden a bike in years really and it feels so good. I think I might ride at work tomorrow morning. We'll see how I'm feeling. When I got back, I was pooped, but it felt great...if that makes any sense at all. Did a little work tonight, watching some House M.D. episodes, and now I'm ready for bed. I hope you all are having a great weekend and I hope you have a good night. Thanks for reading my babbling happenings every night. Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside...G'Night.

New Life - Day Twenty

Sleeping in is priceless. I woke up around 9am this morning. I think I fell asleep around 10pm I think...I must have really needed that sleep. It felt so good to sleep that long. Went out in the garage and relaxed a bit and watched the news and enjoyed the air. Butch came by and he, Matt and I went to breakfast and then went to Al's Hobby Shop in Elmhurst to look around. I ended up buying a couple of little vintage Guillows Kits. I bought a TBF Avenger and a Skyraider. They were pretty cheap, so I didn't feel horrible picking them up. Been a long time since I've been able to sit down and relax and build something. I love the satisfaction of putting something together out of a box of wood and making it look vaguely like an airplane. :) We came home and before long, we discussed lunch. I remembered that when I was at Dan and Emily's last week, Emily had mentioned a website that had some killer gift cards for places in Kane county for 50% off the value. So, I went on the site and got 2 $15 gift certificates for $15. Pretty cool! Butch, Matt and I went over there and picked up lunch and it was awesome. They have the best sandwiches. I had a grilled chicken salad sandwich on rye...gotta be the best chicken salad sandwich ever! I wish they were closer to work...it'd be so worth it and it's very reasonably priced. When we were still working at DuPage, my friend Heather and I went there at least once a week for lunch. I forgot how great it was. I think it's family run and every time we would go in there, we'd have to wait in line for like 45 minutes to get our order. Well worth it though! Anyways, came home and ate lunch and made my way to the garage to start on the airplanes. There really is something relaxing about building. It really just clears the mind for some reason. At least, for this dork it does! Worked on it all night. I got to spend the night building an airplane, watching the Bears game and cooking dinner on the grill. Nothing much more relaxing than that! I had a good day today and am ready for bed again. Not a whole lot of excitement today, but I needed the rest and relaxation after this week. Looking forward to another good night's sleep tonight. Goodnight, friends. Thanks for reading my ramblings again tonight. Catch you on the flip side... :) G'Night.

New Life - Day Nineteen

Started this gorgeous day at 4:30am. I was up and out the door by 5:15am. Got to work and did a few things on the server and went out for my daily walk. This was a particularly great morning. The air was really crisp, but the fog was so thick, I couldn't see more than like 300ft. When the sun came up, it was amazing. I got some good pictures as I was finishing up. One thing I did notice, was that the sun is coming up later and later every day and it kinda sucks. My back was really bothering me today. I was talking to a friend yesterday and he thought I may have a pinched nerve because my leg is going numb when my back starts hurting. I might try and find a chiropractor and see what they say. If I could go over a mile without all this back pain, I would be sooo happy. I feel great when I'm walking other than the back pain. We had airplanes all over the place today and there were helicopters buzzing around and it was a great day. I was having a serious case of "I want to go flying so bad." today. I'm really itching to be able to fly again. I'm a very plan oriented person. There is something about the whole "checklist" and "procedures" part of aviation. Even something as simple as getting in a Cessna and starting it up, setting the avionics, calling the tower, doing the engine run-up and all that good stuff. It just makes me feel alive doing something that very few people do. I know there are a lot of pilots out there, but it's unique to me. I actually stood next to a Cessna Skycatcher this morning and checked out the interior and moved the controls around a little just to screw around. I would love to play around and fly again. I have so many opportunities at work to go flying here and there and I just can't. There have been a few times Ben has asked me if I wanted to go with him on a test flight or up for a recreational run around the pattern a few times and I just can't go along. Soon though...soon!



Work was kind of slow today...finally! I hate being slow, but it was definitely a good change of pace from what it was like earlier this week. We had a good week though and I have lots of ideas on some improvements at work...just need the time to do it. On the way home tonight, I stopped and got a salad for dinner and went out on Josh's boat to test it out. He finally got the engine running right and now it needs a new prop. It was cavitating pretty bad cuz it's bent up and knicked up. It was a lot of fun. We went to Hobbytown on the way home and checked things out a little bit.



I'm ready to hit the sack. Been a long day...kind of in an emotional rut. Wishing time would go faster I guess...time seems to be standing still lately. Time heals all wounds, so let's get the show on the road. It feels like I'm counting off these pounds like I'm counting down the days before a big vacation. I know I've started a new life, but I don't think I'll really come to life until I'm able to really live my life to it's fullest. I'm spending my time loving and appreciating the love my friends and family show me and how I'm trying to better myself. Maybe it's like a book? Every day is a page turned and every now and then a new chapter starts...there's always that one book that starts off really well and is fun to read and then there's that middle chapter that just seems to drag on and on and you just can't wait to get to the really interesting and meaty part...I dunno, just a thought. I'm off to bed...Goodnight, friends. Love you all. :) Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings tonight. See you on the flip side. :o)

New Life - Day Eighteen

I woke up a little earlier than normal today. I started setting my alarm for 4:30am now. I plan on getting up, shower, dress, get to work, walk and have like an hour to relax before I start my day. However, this means I'm going to want to go to bed at about 8:30pm....like now! We'll see. I had a great day today. My walk was nice and brisk, but my back was really hurting today. Once it starts hurting, my right leg goes numb and then I favor one leg and then it's a snowball effect of pain. However, I love the fact that I've consistently been walking a mile while only taking one break at a half mile for 2 min to stretch out my back. Nothing wrong with that right now...baby steps! I did a good deed for a friend at work today before the day started and it felt great to do it. He needed something and I had the time to go do it for him, so I was happy to help him out. I love helping people out that need my help. I guess it's in my nature. Sometimes I'd rather help others than myself. I suppose that's why I'm in thei predicament. I was kind of cursing myself this morning for letting myself get to this point. It just encouraged me more! I'm going to cut this one short tonight, but I have lots to write about tomorrow. Laundry, shower and some computer stuff to do tonight still. Hope you all are having a good night. Thanks for checking on me. Goodnight, friends. :)

New Life - Day Seventeen

Well, I got up super early today. I was up around 4am. I got up and watched the news a little bit and watched the weather and relaxed a bit. I took a really hot shower and got dressed and got to work around 5:30am. I was feeling pretty good so I immediately took to my morning walk. It was SOOO HUMID today! It was a neat sunrise this morning. The fog was really thick, so the sunlight looked like a big orange glowing orb in the sky and was neat to look at. I was listening to my iphone and had it in my arm band so I didn't get any pictures. Work was a pain in the arse again, but it all worked out somehow. I bought dinner for mom and dad tonight and had to mow the lawn again when I got home. I was so looking forward to coming home, having a beer and relaxing a little, but I didn't get the lawn done until 8pm. I'm worn out today. Here I am up and awake and can't sleep now too...On a brighter note, I got lots of exercise and felt pretty good today. I've been taking Osteo Bi-Flex and I've been taking ibuprofen in the morning before my walk and that's been helping my knee. I'll get there. I got a text from a dear friend tonight re-assuring me that everything is going to work out and that she's proud of me. She has no idea how much encouragement like that fuels my fire and really makes me feel awesome. I appreciate that kind of kindness so much. Well, I'm off to bed..thanks for reading and goodnight, friends. Catch ya on the flip side...

New Life - Day Sixteen

Got up a around 5am this morning and took a shower. My back was really sore today for some reason. My guess is because of all the lifting I did in the garage this weekend. I took a really hot shower hoping it would kind of kill off some of the pain, but I just couldn't work out the kink. So, I ate breakfast and went to work. I did a little walking at work going back and forth to the corporate hangar working on the network issues, but it's no mile. I walked as much as I could today doing little spurts here and there. We had more internet issues today which was resolved a lot faster than it was yesterday. It's been a really long week so far. I can't wait until the weekend. These networking issues are taking their toll on me this week and I hope tomorrow is better. I really like the fact that I'm feeling better physically, but man, my head is spinning like crazy tonight. I might pop a Unisom tonight so I can sleep even though I'm exhausted. We'll see. I'm finishing up a few things before bed and will be sleeping soon! Today was a good, but a long day. Let's hope tomorrow is a great one too!



Thanks for reading! Goodnight, friends.

New Life - Day Fifteen

Day 15...holy cow! I can't believe it's only been 15 days since I started really taking care of myself like I should. I woke up at 4:45am...as usual and got up to get dressed. I had a nice morning. I got to work around 5:50am or so. I had my headphones and iphone arm band in my truck with me, so I took right to the tarmac. I set up the iphone for music and started stretching a little. As I was stretching, I heard a helicopter starting up, so I went back there to watch it take off. Helicopters are amazing. It's amazing that there can be so many moving parts in such a good state of balance to make that big piece of machinery fly. As soon as it took off, I started walking. I felt awesome this morning!! I really wanted to run, but I wanted to get this mile out of the way. While I started walking, I heard a voice echo against the hangar. It was hard to tell with my headphones on, but I looked around and saw Tex on the OTHER side of the ramp yelling my name and waving good morning to me. Tex is the chief pilot for ConAgra Foods and a great friend. Such a nice guy. Always has a smile on his face and always has something good to say.

I waved back with a ginormous smile on my face and kept going. Turned the first corner...then the second and looked down that loooong stretch of concrete. I think that stretch between the fence and the west end of the ramp is about 1/4 mile by itself. Looks so long, but the music and cool air made my adrenaline pump hard. I had a brisk pace, no pain in my knee or back, sun was rising behind me and I could feel it fueling my efforts to keep going. There's something about the sunshine that makes me want to stay outside and soak it up. West end...another corner to turn. This time heading north watching the sun come up on the east side over the top of our hangars and peaking behind the airplanes on the north end of the ramp. So beautiful to look at. North corner...turn! As I turn the northwest corner, I see Tex walking toward me with a cup of coffee in his hand. I wanted to hit the northeast corner before I talked to him. I pulled my headphones and said hello real quick to him. He immediately asked how my weekend was and how I was doing and what I was doing walking. So, I explained to him that I was pumped up about getting in shape. I said "Tex, you're gonna be the first to hear this today, but I lost ten pounds last week and I can't wait to lose the next 10!! I'm down 18lbs in 2 weeks and I'm on a roll." He just shook his head and said "Good for you, Mikey...don't let me keep you, do your thing and we'll talk later!"

On I went. When I got to the next turn, I started getting that cramping feeling in my back and popping in my knee. Shit! I was hoping to get at least 3/4 of the way around the 2nd lap before I felt any pain, but oh well. I walked as much as I could at that pace, but I had to slow down...I had to pace myself. I don't want to get hurt and let that set me back. I sat down for 2 minutes to stretch out my back and my knee and got up and hit it hard again. That last 1/4 mile stretch really sucked, but I did it. I figure it's gonna hurt, but I just need to finish. That's been my mentality thru this...that it's gonna hurt, it's gonna suck, it's gonna be hard...but for crying out loud, I HAVE to do this. If I want to achieve my dreams of being a pilot, meeting a wonderful woman with whom I want to start a family and even being healthy for my friends and for ME....I HAVE TO. No questions asked, no excuses. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. It's time to change this. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world and I would feel horrible to see all this hard work and devotion go down the tubes and let everyone (including myself) down. Got done with the walk and sat down at the picnic table to cool down a little (Yes, a one mile walk makes me sweat) and breathe the air. I watched another bunch of helicopters take off and head out. It was so neat.

Started work by walking around each one of our buildings because we hard wireless network issues and speed issues on our network all day. It took me until the very end of the day to figure out that 3 iPad's were maxing out our internet connection and ruining the network traffic for everyone today. I knew they were iPad's, but I had no idea who they belonged to or where they were. All I knew was they were on the network sucking the life out of the connection. AT&T even confirmed that our internet circuit was at 100% usage! Crazy! I found them in a client's office on the desk downloading the new cycle of approach plates from ForeFlight Mobile...ugh!! Oh well, they will be done tonight, so I let them go. Oh well! Got home, changed my clothes and had an amazing dinner. Now I'm watching DA BEARS and loving life right now. Yeah, of course I'm missing some things, but right now, I guess I'm where I'm supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason and someday I will look back at this day and realize why I'm in the position I'm in. Life is good right now and I'm very grateful for everyone and everything I have in my life. This morning was one of those mornings where I was incredibly happy to be alive and have amazing people around me.

Thanks for reading tonight, friends. I love you guys...and girls! Thanks for all the support, everyone. It's appreciated more than you know. :)

New Life - Day Fourteen

Got to sleep in today and it felt great! I slept until about 8am. Got up, took a shower and came downstairs to a great breakfast being cooked. Megan and Josh came over and we had french toast and sausage and juice. It was great! As soon as breakfast was over, Matt and I went outside to start on the garage...again. We worked on it all day. I would say we filled up 10 garbage bags, and a bunch of boxes full of crap to toss. We filled an entire dumpster up with crap. We built the new shelves we bought at Menards and put them in place. We scrubbed the floor with the floor machine, but the squeegee kinda sucks. We're gonna need a wet vac to make this work well I think. It looks better, but it's not perfect. We got everything back in order. The table still needs to be cleared up and organized. I definitely need more storage bins for the stuff on the table. We'll see what I can find. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them. Skipped lunch today to work on the garage, but it was worth it. Makes up for the french toast I had this morning. :) Can't wait to go to bed. We worked on that garage for almost 12 hours today. I'm beat! My knee is sore and I'm sure my back will feel awesome in the morning, but oh well. It' was worth it! Next purchase will be a new TV and a heater. In due time...in due time.

Despite all the hard work, sweat and dirtyness this weekend, I feel pretty damn good. I'm looking forward to my walk in the morning. I can't wait to get to bed and sleep this all off. Goodnight, friends. Thanks again for reading this!

New Life - Day Thirteen

Slept in today a little. Woke up at 7am. Dan and I drove to Northbrook to pick up a hard top for his brother's jeep. Went to breakfast and drove out around 9am. Got there just in time to drive right into a bad storm. It friggin rained the entire drive home and it didn't stop until we got home. We stopped at Hobbytown on the way and I picked up a little plane to play with. What a blast! We took a little trip to the baseball field and test flew it. It was great. This, of course after the storm blew thru. I went home and picked Matt up and took him to Fuddruckers for lunch and went to Fry's to look at some tablet computers. Came home a little late to work on the garage, but we started. Didn't get very far, but we started and we have a game plan. Hopefully we'll get going first thing tomorrow. I can't wait to get it fixed up! I'm off to bed. Will have a bigger update tomorrow though I think. Hope you are all having a good night! Good night friends!

New Life - Day Twelve

Today was a good day! Got up at the normal 4:45am and took a really nice hot shower. Got to work a little later than usual, but it was all good. I figured out that two laps around the interior perimeter of our ramp is a little over a mile. So, my goal was 2 laps this morning. I started walking and got one lap around and decided to take a small break to stretch my back out. I only stopped for about 2 minutes, so that wasn't bad. On the second lap, I was hurting pretty bad, but I said "Screw it, hurts anyways, might as well finish!" So, I pressed on and finished. I sat at the picnic table and watched some airplanes startup and leave and listened to some more music. I'm loving my iphone armband. A blessing since my compression shorts don't have pockets. The mornings recently have been so beautiful! I mean, really nice out. Nice enough so it's not cold, but warm enough to not wear long pants and long sleeves. The sunrises have been awesome too! I tell ya what...that first lap, I felt like jogging, but didn't want to push it with my knee. Work was great today...got a bunch done and helped the mechanics do a few things today on the floor. It was sticky out there today! Just warm and muggy. I have a lot of respect for those guys working in the heat. Tomorrow is garage day...Matt and I are emptying out the garage and we're cleaning it out and putting everything back. We went to Menards tonight and I found a huge utility shelf unit for $50 on sale that we desperately need to organize stuff. I bought a new garbage can, a new broom and some shop rags too. I can't wait to work on it tomorrow. Dan and I are going to Northbrook tomorrow to pick up a jeep top. Hopefully it will fit in the Suburban. Otherwise, we're strapping that puppy to the roof rack. :) I can't wait to work on the garage. Next purchase is going to be chairs, tv, and a heater to keep it warm. I want to work in there so bad!! My little man-cave getaway will be awesome soon. I've got wireless speakers out there already, but we'll see. I found a couch for it too (Third Seat from the suburban :)...hehe!) Should be cool. I got in touch with a friend tonight that I've missed so much. So good to hear from her. She's the best. Well, I'm off to bed. Gotta get up early tomorrow. Hope you all have a great night tonight. Thanks again for reading. :) Goodnight my friends. I love ya.

New Life - Day Eleven

Day 10...wow...this was a hell of a day. :) It started out at...8:30AM!!! I can't believe I did it again. I was up a little late watching House M.D. again, so I deserve what I got this morning. I woke up at like 4:15am to go to the bathroom and came back to bed and went back to sleep. My alarm goes off at 4:45am. I must have just zonked out because I was shocked when I looked at my phone and saw 8:31am...."Holy hell! Again?!?!?" Called in and told them I was going to be late. Got in the shower, dressed and RAN out the door. I started hauling ass to work and figured "I'm this late...what's another 10-15 minutes. I'll just stay a little later."

So, I started working on a new LAN IP block that we got from AT&T so I can get the JAFS guys remote access to their machines from home. Stupid firewall is pissing me off. It's outdated and we need a new appliance. Maybe at the end of the year we'll do that. I want a Barracuda SPAM blocker too...must be the biggest complaint I get from people around work. "I got this e-mail that looks like SPAM...what do I do with it?".....uh... nevermind. Not even worth explaining. :) I must have hacked away at that firewall for 3 hours before I finally gave up. I am working on a workaround now.

Got home and worked a little for my 2nd job. Got approval for the job I was working on this week. She loves it! Sweet...I'm so happy that this 2nd job is going well. It's really helping me get my money in check. Went for a short walk tonight to loosen up my legs and then came home to rest. I have had a long week. Tomorrow after work, I'm going to try and join the Norris Center in St. Charles and start working in the pool. I can't wait. Shalene and I were talking about it yesterday and she came up with a good idea. I should get like a kickboard or something and swim one lap and kick one lap and alternate. We'll see. I want to see if they have a shallow end where I can use it as a resistance walking area. That would be awesome.

I'm ready for bed..not staying up real late again tonight. I'm ready to get a nice night's sleep and get up early and enjoy the air in the morning. Hope you all are having a good night and you all sleep well. Thanks for reading again!

Goodnight, friends. - Me.

New Life - Day Ten

Had a good day today. Started early as normal...4:45am. Walked just about a mile this morning! My knee and back were in bad shape, but I did it. Every day is getting easier. Love my morning pep talk this morning (Thanks, Shalene!). It's so good to look forward to the future. I have a great future ahead of me. I'm sure of it. It's going to be a hard road, but I will reach that destination for sure! I feel pretty good tonight. Little on the tired side because it's so late, but it's been a long day. Stayed pretty busy all day. Got home and had a fruit cup and a salad from Portillos. It was great! Went to Josh's to watch RC Car Night....pretty funny to watch. :) Now I'm home and trying to install some new software on my laptop to do some new types of work. Sleep is coming up soon. Hope you all have a great night. Thanks for reading this one. Sorry it's short, just was a good day and I look forward to tomorrow being another good one! Lots of good to look for...

Goodnight.

New Life - Day Nine

OK...today was rough. Thank god it's almost over. I started the day by waking up at a ridiculous hour due to a bad dream. I literally woke up so upset I couldn't go back to sleep. I ended up falling back asleep and woke up with a horrible headache because I didn't have my CPAP machine on when I fell back to sleep. I can't believe how much I rely on that machine, but it's been a total blessing. I can fall asleep in one position and wake up in the exact same spot without moving. I sleep so well it's crazy (When my mind isn't racing). I got up around 5:30 and took a shower. Went downstairs and ate some Cheerios. On the way to work, I damn near fell asleep driving. As soon as I got to work I started walking. I didn't want to sit down because I would want to put my head down and nap. Walked for about 45 minutes and then took a break to watch the front desk for Al. I guess the girls were running late, so I watched the phones for him while he pulled the Caravan under the canopy. Work was kind of weird today. I was doing like 10 different things at the same time all day and didn't get everything done that I needed to get done. I am still catching up. To top it all off, I do part-time work as a graphic designer for another company and they have a catalog that needs to be finalized tonight before it goes to print, so I've been trying to get that finished. Every time I think I have it figured out, we make another change and I have to re-package the file. Not that I mind, but I have laundry to do tonight as I have no clean clothes to wear tomorrow and I want to go to bed early. Soooooo...laundry is in the washer and I'm taking a break to write my note for the night because I am going to hit the sack as soon as I'm done with the catalog. I wanted to go to XSport fitness tonight to see what membership is going to cost me and possibly join, but people are telling me that it's gonna cost me like $250 off the bat to join and I don't have that kind of ching to drop right now. So, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. Seems to be working! Maybe I will join the Norris Center in the meantime because it seems less expensive for now. I'm really looking forward to some pool time. I haven't been swimming in years...yeah...I know...sad! I'll get there though! I was texting a friend today and we were discussing this whole new life thing and she told me that she's so excited to see how this transformation comes out. She's so nice to me. Her morning pep talks really keep me motivated for sure. I keep hearing people tell me what a good looking guy I'm going to be when I lose all this weight and I'm looking forward to it all. I am really looking more forward to being able to climb into a Cessna with someone special someday and go up for a ride to see the sun set and enjoy the evening scenery from above. There really is nothing like seeing the city of Chicago from 2000 feet at sunset...it's so cool. Some day I guess it will happen. I'll be healthy and fit and have someone right there next to me to enjoy life. Just not nearly ready for that. Flying has always been that dream of mine that I haven't been able to achieve. It's so nice to hear the encouragement and I'm sure there are a lot of people that are tired of seeing these notes I guess, but this definitely helps me handle everything. I guess it helps me process things that have occured during the day. I've been contemplating seeing a therapist about everything that's gone down this summer. I have my good days and I have bad days. When I have bad days, it just seems to nag at me all day wondering where I went wrong and wondering how things might have been if I had been in better shape and was able to be more active. 1000 things go thru my head when I have those days and writing and talking about it helps me process everything. I was told today that I'm allowed to have days like this, but I need to process it and move forward. Honestly, after writing this tonight, I feel a little better. Totally ready for bed now. Laundry is done now and I'm ready for a hot date with my bed and my CPAP machine. :)

Thanks for reading this if you took the time. Hope you all have a great night. :) Goodnight.

New Life - Day Eight

Today was a good day. Woke up at 4:45am (Which is getting easier to do, believe it or not!). Nice hot shower and got on the scale... -8lbs!! Sweet! I was dreading that all weekend. Even though I worked hard and ate well, it still is a nervous moment to get on that scale.

Got to work and did a little work before actually doing any exercise. Had cereal for breakfast (I miss cereal!) which was great. Went out and did some walking...I think I did 3 laps around the ramp and then did 3 or 4 around the front ramp...a good 45-60 minutes of walking. I stopped at the corporate hangar and dropped off a piece of gear back the JAFS folks. I took a few 30-45 second breaks during my walks to sit down and stretch my back out. It's getting better though. I notice it every single day that it's getting easier. Got some great encouragement again from my friends at work watching me walk every morning. My boss even called at 9am to hit me with a "Saw you walking this morning, Mikey...keep it up, man!"

Work was a little slow...had to fix a few things, but other than that it wasn't bad. Tomorrow I have a lot to do, so I want to get to work as early as possible, walk, and get to it. Matt and I are working on a plan to re-arrange the garage. I would love to get it done before it gets hot this weekend. We'll see what happens. I am also planning on joining XSport Fitness this week and canning Anytime Fitness. I really want to give the pool a try. My knees are really killing me and my back is starting to really give me grief when I'm working out. Thinking about maybe doing some walking and then hitting the pool every morning. Maybe I can get Matt to join with me and he can be my workout buddy. I desperately need a workout buddy. Had a nice salad for dinner and went to Potawatomie Park to watch Dan's softball game. Great game, but tough loss. :( Beautiful night, shame it has to end! Can't wait to go to sleep tonight. Going to finish watching this episode of House M.D. that I started watching and then I'm out. Gotta love the medical shows! Facinating stuff. I should have gone to med school. Yeah, like I have the patience for that. :)

Goodnight friends...thanks for reading and caring! :)

New Life - Day Seven

Got a ton of sleep last night. I must have really needed it. I fell asleep around 9:30pm and woke up around 8am this morning. Felt pretty good today. Got up, had breakfast, and went to the Model Airplane Flying field in Wayne this morning and met up with some buddies. It was awful windy, but the guys had fun. I am kind of getting tired of just watching and want to get involved in it. I need to save some cash before I can invest in it again...I'll get there...just takes some time. I took a few breaks from the field and went walking down the bike path at the forest preserve for a little bit and came back to enjoy the rest of the day. I was out there a little too long, but that's ok! I enjoy the clean air out there. It's so relaxing!

I'm on a total kick to get the garage cleaned up and back in order. I'd like to try my hand at building an airplane from scratch. I'd love to spend some time alone out there listening to music and relaxing and building some stuff. I really need to find a way to heat the place though without that stupid propane heater and vent it correctly...seriously, I need the space to get away from everything. Computer, the internet, my phone...I need to have that disconnection with the world I think. I just think it'd be cool to frame up an airplane and fly it and say "I built THAT airplane myself from a box of wood." I look at some of my friends' stuff and see what craftsmanship they have and I'm jealous! We'll see. :) I just need a hobby right now to keep my mind occupied when I'm not at work or walking. Sitting at home with everyone is wearing on me and I need some Mike time.

Today was a good day, and tomorrow I get to go back to work. I have a feeling this week is going to be insanely busy though...we'll see how it goes.

Off to bed I go...goodnight, friends.

New Life - Day Six

Got to sleep in a little bit this morning. I was awakened by a black and white fur ball named Sophie. She was in bed with me woofing and pawing at me trying to wake me up at 7am. I went to sleep around 2am, so I was pretty tired. Probably explains why I'm exhausted right now. It's almost 9pm and I'm about to go to bed! Took a nice hot shower and went to work. I did a little more cleaning in my office and then had a nice long talk with my boss about things that I want to do. He's such a great guy to work for because I can talk to him like a buddy, ya know? It's a good guy all around. After that, I did some more work in my office and remoted into a friend's computer to help her repair iTunes on her machine because she couldn't get her new iPhone to connect to it. I did what I could without her phone being attached, so I hope it works. I guess we'll find out when she gets off work around midnight. Got my fingers crossed. Amazing what remote support can accomplish. I fixed her computer 30 miles away while she was at work. Amazing. Then I watched an UNBELIEVABLE storm roll through! 60mph wind and HAIL...bad hail! Hopefully nothing was damaged! It was bad. On the way home, I called Butch to see what he was up to and he stopped by and we had spaghetti for dinner and watched the Bears in their pre-season game. I didn't get to do much walking today as my knee was really hurting bad. Feels like a pinched nerve. It's pretty painful. Maybe it was because of the pressure drop with the storms and stuff coming, but hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I plan on going to the gym in the morning, so we'll see how my knee is tomorrow. Well, I'm beat, so I'm off to bed. Have a great night, everyone.

New Life - Day Five

Where to begin...this was a long day for sure. Woke up around 5am. Got to work and walked a little. Again, I walked until I hurt too much. That's all I can do right now. Go until it hurts too much. I worked on my original office today. I started cleaning it and getting it ready to work in again. Found something there that brought back some memories that I hadn't thought about in a while. Not really expecting it. :( I spent most of the day cleaning my office out and getting rid of certain things that I don't need anymore. I filled up 6 garbage bags of old files and folders, boxes of parts and computers, printers and hardware I don't need.

Got home and wanted to rest, but I had to mow the lawn...once that was over, my buddy Dan said he was cancelling his camping trip and wanted to know if I wanted to come over for a fire and a few beers. Absolutely. Anything to get me out of this house and keep me occupied is what I need. We talked about so much. Dan and Emily are amazing people. Probably the best friends I've ever had in my life. No matter what, they're always there for me and no matter how much we BS back and forth and give each other grief jokingly, I can tell how much they really love me. We were totally engaged in a great conversation tonight. We discussed a lot about the changes I'm going thru and how decisions that have been made in my life in the last month have led me to a point where I need to be diligent about this change because they do not want to lose me and they most certainly don't want to ever face the day where they have to figure out how to tell their son what happened to Uncle Mikey. We all know I need to lose this weight, but I've never met anyone articulate and tactful enough to encourage me without making it sound like just a "You can do it" speech. Things like telling me that finding someone is the last thing I need to be thinking about right now and how this is time for ME to do this and only I can do this for myself. No matter how much they wish they could snap their fingers and make it work for me, they can't. Giving me ideas on working out and ways around all this pain and things like Emily telling me that I am an attractive guy already, but to be completely honest, thinking as a single woman, she would never be able to enter into a relationship with me in fear of falling in love with me and then dying early and breaking her heart. I completely and totally understand that. I need to hear stuff like that...as harsh has it may sound, it's something that makes complete and total sense to me. I mentioned that I wished I had a pool to work out in so I could lessen the stress on my joints and see how it goes and while we were talking about it, Emily was looking up places on her laptop for me to go to. We had a few beers, a great campfire, and a bunch of smiles and laughs, but nothing makes life better than spending time with those few friends that you hold so near and dear to your heart knowing that they really are behind you 100000% percent even I'm the only one that can do this for myself....I mean, hell, it's almost 2am and I just got home. We talked that long and it was worth every second. The time is precious with my friends, but the memories and encouragement that sticks in my mind is forever monumental. I love you guys

New Life - Day Four

Well, this day wasn't nearly as good as I wanted it to be. It started with me waking up 3 hours past my alarm!! That's right... It was going off at 4:45am, and I woke up at 7:30am... Holy hell! I must have needed that! Jumped up, skipped my shower, dressed, ran out the door only to notice 4 emails from my boss on my phone with the to-do list for the day.

Got to work and got to it. Grabbed a quick bite on the way to work and logged it. Hauled ass on projects until I got hit with a curve with a problem updating a customer's GNS-430 database. 4 hours and 3 tech support phone calls later, I got it figured out... Problem on Jeppesen's application server. Ugh! So much for getting my photoshop project done on time! We were trying to mock up a new instrument panel to sell a $75k install job, so I wanted it to look bad ass! Got it done around 7pm, sent it to Brad and he loved it. Slam Dunk! So happy. Grabbed Jimmy johns on the way home, wrote some emails, doing laundry right now, and as soon as those threads are in the dryer, I'm passing out.

Had some encouraging words from important people today and that means the world to me. Really looking forward to a night out of drinks and talking with an old friend I haven't seen in months. Hopefully the other one we invited will come out too!

Onto Day Five... Goodnight all. Love ya

New Life - Day Three

Woke up around 2am. Had a shitty dream and couldn't go back to sleep.Well, it wasn't shitty, just got my mind going. It just got my mind racing again and I couldn't fall asleep again. Just felt really lonely this morning after that. Watched TV for a while and got up to go take a shower and went to work at about 5:15am. Did a few things on the server and did some maintenance and then went walking. I did about a lap and a half around the ramp and went inside to get some water. While I was inside, I got a call from my boss asking me for a favor, so I went and talked to him for a few and then went out for another short walk. Felt pretty good. Did a few more things on the server and did some website work today. At about 4pm, I was ready to get moving and go home and then wham...got called into a late meeting and had to stay until 6:30pm. So...long story short, it's been a LONG day. The weather was so good. I think I'm going to change my workout routine a little. I'm going to go to the gym in the morning two or three times a week instead of walking the whole time. That way I can change things up and not go into work that early every morning. I am so afraid that if I don't work out in the morning, I won't go at all. Maybe I can get my brother Matt to go with me. This morning's walk was nice. Cool, crisp air, airplanes flying...I love the airport atmosphere. I sat on the wing of our Cherokee Six and took a little break for a few minutes and just took in the air and enjoyed it. I'm exhausted. I can't wait to go to bed. I'm really trying to get the courage to get my bike out and try riding it. I'm honestly scared that I'll look like a shriner on it. :) I guess it would be good for me. I could exercise without hurting my back...we'll see.



Off to bed I go. Goodnight, friends...

New Life - Day Two

Well, today started off a lot like yesterday. Woke up at 4:45am, got to work a little before 6am and started walking. Walked a little less than a mile before my back and knees hurt again. When my back and knees get really sore, I slow down and break it off. Then I try and walk as much as I can during the day. I know it will get better over time, so I'm trying not to get down on myself for not being Superman out of the gate. I would love nothing more than to go crazy and work out like crazy, but I just can't. I'm focusing on staying busy and working hard and being friends with my friends. I'm definitely tired again tonight, but I know I'll get a good night's sleep...well, at least I hope so! :)

Weight Watchers is definitely going well. I'm finding it really easy to follow and easy to keep track of. So far I've been staying under my limits and being good. I know each day will get easier. One day closer to true happiness, health, and my pilot's license! ;o)

Goodnight, friends. Love you all.

New Life - Day One

Today was a good day. I woke up at 4:45am, weighed in and took a nice hot shower. I was very tired after not going to sleep until 11pm, but I toughed it out. Got dressed, drove to work and stretched out a little. Put my headphones on and went walking. I won't lie, my back was killing me after about a half mile, so I slowed down took a small break to stretch my back out. It was a very nice morning. Sunrise was beautiful, the air was nice, the sound of ConAgra's Learjet's Auxilliary Power Unit was screaming in the distance. Sometimes that's the best part of being at an airport. :)



Got done walking and went into the office, cooled down a bit and stretched and changed my clothes. Got a NutriGrain bar and some fruit and nut trail mix from the FBO and had that for breakfast. For lunch, we went to Jimmy Johns and I got a sandwich there. Work was kind of crazy today, but it went ok. I definitely need to focus on my IT stuff more. I want to work in my office again so bad so I can really get things done and caught up. I left work on time today and went home and had a burger, corn on the cobb and watermelon for dinner. I'm 16 points under my limit on Weight Watchers today according to my tracker, so that's good! I'm actually really exhausted tonight. Can't wait to get to bed. I really didn't drink as much water as I wanted to today, but I'm not going to start now because I'll be up 20 times tonight! :)



Day one was nice. I want to really work harder though as my back and knees get better. I dream of the day I'm RUNNING laps around the ramp and not WALKING. I'm not usually the kind of guy that will wear any kind of jewelry or anything, but I saw this ring on eBay the other day that really looked cool and it was very inexpensive, so I bought it to serve me as a reminder. Every time I look at it, it reminds me to bust my ass and not forget why I'm doing this. It showed up this afternoon and I really think it's cool. $25 wasn't too much to splurge on myself I think.



Tomorrow starts day two...can't wait. Going to finish watching Hell's Kitchen and then off to bed I go. Goodnight, friends. Thank you for all the support! <3

The beginning of my new life

So, it's been a while since my life made a pretty significant detour. Hasn't been a long time, but it seems like an eternity. It's been extremely difficult for me to adjust to a new routine and go back to what my life was like a little over a year ago. Thank god for friends and family. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for them. I am convinced my friends are the best people on the planet. It's truly amazing how many of my friends expressed complete concern for me and for that, I love them immensely. Even the friends that I see once or twice a year would call me and talk for hours at a time about life and changes. I am really having a hard time understanding why it's taken me this long to figure out that it has to be about me now. It has to be time for me to focus on ME. I was so focused elsewhere, I forgot about me and I suppose that's where I went wrong. No matter how much I've been told not to blame myself for what happened, that's been my biggest problem during this whole change. Time to put that fire right the F out. If I'm not happy with myself, I'm never going to be able to love anyone else. Yep, I was head over heels in love and now it's vanished in a heartbeat. The numbing effect was surreal. I'm finally ready to get feeling back in my mind, body and soul and get focused on myself.

I had a very good weekend seeing my friends. I mean, friends that I haven't seen in months...years almost and we picked right back up where we left off. They all want to see my back in the hobby and I would love it, but I really want to turn my health into my new hobby right now. I joined Weight Watchers last night and hopefully things will turn around a little there. I have been walking and tomorrow I want to try getting back into that Couch to 5K thing. Blogging seems to be therapeutic and I know there are some of you reading this that know me and shake your head saying "There he goes again being dramatic and over senstive and obsessive about things again..." Oh well! Writing things like this helps me cool off and clear my mind, so deal with it! :) Writing and listening to music...I'm listening to Joe Satriani gracefully pick at a guitar...so great!

Some mornings I wake up and think "How did things end up like this?" or "How did I get to this point?" I was talking to a friend the other day and she asked me "Where do you see yourself before you're 40?" I told her I wanted to be married with two kids, at a healthy weight, successful at my job, and with the woman of my dreams who will love me no matter what and with a pilot's license in my wallet. That's exactly where I see myself and in the back of my head, I heard this voice say "Well get cracking!" I suppose there is a particular order in which that whole sequence needs to progress and it all starts with my health. "Mike, if you don't look out for #1, nothing will go right because no one can look out for you except for you." I've heard that from multiple people, so I need to just do it and stop analyzing everything. I must be proactive about everything from this point on because if I'm not, nothing good will happen. I'm going to have to make it all happen for me. In 2006, I lost 125lbs in the course of like 6 months because of a girl...a girl! I thought "Damn, if I have any chance, I have to lose this weight." and I just did it...I never realized how much weight I'd lost until my boss asked me one day if I was sick. Then it hit me. I did it unconsciously and just completely changed my lifestyle unwittingly because I was focused on a goal. When that fell apart, I lost focus and went back to the old ways. Every day I kick myself for falling back to those ways...I had such a good start and gained it all back plus some. Idiot!

I'm going to try and write every night because this seems to make me feel better. Check back if you want. I'll be trying to post every night before bed. Goodnight!