Fighting

Raindi is right...I have to fight for this. I HATE losing, I HATE being defeated. I hate not having control over things I know I can control. I just need to get it in my head that I can do this and do it correctly and well. I know I'm stronger than I have been in years and I know my diet is the hardest part right now. Every day at work is the same thing... "What do we get for lunch?" and we end up getting Jimmy John's or something like that. It's killing me. I hate it. I just hate it. I just need to completely change again. I thought I had this shit down and it's slowly fallen away from my grasp. I'm not back to the old ways, but I know if I continue like this, I will be there soon and it scares the living shit outta me. I sit here wondering where I'd be right now if I had stayed 100% on the track I started on. This just sucks and it scares me. I haven't been sleeping because I've been having dreams about my ex. Last week I had dreams two consecutive nights replaying the night she broke up with me and it upset me so bad I had to go for a drive in the middle of the night to blow off steam and relax. Then, I'm so tired during the day, I just don't care about anything else. It sucks and it's really hard. I wish I knew why this whole breakup thing, which should be out of my head by now, is still affecting me so much. I look back and every little detail of that relationship and do nothing but blame myself for things I should have done differently and times I should have opened my mouth when I wanted to and should have taken the initiative to do things when I had the chance and didn't. I have to stop blaming myself, but that's just really hard to do for me. I just can't bring myself to focus how I have to. I am definitely taking time off soon to relax and think about ME and only ME. Damn it, this shouldn't be this hard. It SHOULDN'T be this hard! I get chest pains whenever I think about how hard I have to work to get this figured out. I seem to be so good at solving everyone else's problems...why the hell can't I solve my own?!? I spend so much time at work making sure that everyone is taken care of and that I'm doing everything I can, that I'm not taking the time to watch out for my own self worth. Damn it, I am worth more than that, aren't I? I think I'm a good person and I have a lot to offer. I treat people special to me like gold and I'd do anything for my friends and my family. I look back at my life after high school and think about all the things I should have done differently and just hate the fact that I should have done things differently and maybe I wouldn't have to go through this. Yep, I'm an absolute mess tonight and am going to be shortly turning off my phone and computer and trying to get a good night's sleep tonight. I need it bad. I noticed tonight how cranky I am and I need to nip that shit in the bud so I don't piss everyone off. I'm going shooting with Dan, Emily and Kelly tomorrow morning for Kelly's birthday, so maybe I'll be able to blow off a little agression with the Mosin...should be good for me. I've got some Winchester rounds sitting next to me here. We'll have some fun for sure.