By myself

About 6 or 7 years ago, I had this thought in my head that I don't quite remember...but I remember thinking I hated being fat. I was totally disgusted with myself and one morning instead of parking at work, I parked at a parking lot a half mile away from work and walked to work...I made sure to bring my lunch every day, so I packed a sandwich, chips and an apple and did that every single day for like 6 months...I must have lost 125 lbs in 6 months and didn't even know it, I just wasn't paying attention, I think it was because I was focused on getting the attention of a girl at work, but I never noticed until my boss pulled me aside and asked me flat out if I was ok, because apparently my weight loss was drastic enough for people to notice. I had lots of people asking about it and I just shrugged my shoulders and just said I was walking more. When it got hot, I stopped for some stupid reason and it all came back. After talking with some folks today, I have decided to try the same thing...I'm not going to talk about it with anyone, or write about it or talk about it openly unless I'm asked. I'm just going to do it. This whole thing is in my head and I need to get it last my thick skull that the only payoff for being fat and worrying about everyone but myself is making everyone else happy before myself. But let me tell you, I'm not happy. I walk around in pain every single day. It hurts to get up and out of bed until I'm all stretched and warmed up in the morning. I can't do what I want to do with my life because I'm worried about everything else but ME...bullshit. That's stopping right now. If I start thinking about myself a little more, maybe I can finally be happy. This is something I have to do for me, with me alone and against me...this is going to be a battle against myself. A lot was brought to light tonight and I'm ready to try this again. I love all my friends and family...and I might be grumpy for a while when I'm trying to get into a groove, but just bear with me. I beg you. Don't give up on me. I'm not, so please don't give up on me. I need you guys badly. More than you realize and more than I might let on. Time for some sleep. I wanna get up early and do some photo shooting in the morning. Catch you on the flip side.

Finally...

I think I finally found it...I think I finally found the motivation I needed to get back into a groove of losing weight. Last week, one of the girls that I work with, who has been taking flight lessons, finally soloed. She so cute, she's my little buddy. :) She didnt wanna solo unless I was there to watch. She said she was excited to land because she knew I would be there cheering her on. I think I was more excited than she was! She did a great job and it's been kinda cool watching her journey. She is always talking about it and she is always studying. When she soloed, I felt like a proud older brother. She came back and I was so happy for her. I haven't been able to get her smile out of my head. I haven't been able to shake the desire to feel what she must have felt. I've always had a drive to work out, and try to lose some weight, but this is different than anything I've ever felt in my life...I just cant shake that look on her face out of my head. I want to learn to fly sooooo bad I can taste it. It just HAS to happen. I am going to call the doctor again this week and see what I need to do now to finish the LapBand surgery steps I need to get the surgery done...I NEED to...weight is the ONLY thing holding me back from getting into flying. I work in the perfect environment and I have many flight instructors itching to teach me. I hate starting things I cant finish. I started in 1997...time to finish...I just want the chance...I want to solo, I want to have the liberty to jump in a Cessna and go up north and visit my grandpa and aunt for a few hours and fly home...ya know? I want to own my own airplane some day. I wish I knew why it took seeing her go thru that event to kick me in the ass to motivate me, but I've even lost sleep over it...I just want to capture her emotions and indescribable feelings and experience them for myself. It's been consuming all my thoughts since she did it...I will do this...even though I've been promising to do this forever it seems like, this time it's different...I've been doing it to make others happy and get the attention of others, but this time, it's for ME. This is MY chance to make MYSELF happy...no one else. ME. Good night friends...catch you on the flip side...

Goal

So I had a dream the other night. I had a dream that I shocked the hell out of someone I know by losing a ton of weight since seeing them last. I had the same dream last night again too. Maybe it's a sign. I've been trying lately to get in a groove in working out, but I've been so tired lately. The energy just isn't there lately. About a week ago, I started drinking more water and I feel better this week. I came to a realization the other day that I've let myself down in the last 11 months in the weight loss department. 11 months ago, I became single and I wanted to use that hurt and anger to lose weight and it just didn't happen. I'd get into a groove, then fall back, get in another groove and fall back, another groove....fall. I'm just looking for that groove again. Just wanna keep this groove going this time. I see friends and family doing things I want to be doing and can't...it's hard to watch sometimes. I have set a goal for myself...but that goal is for me and me only. When I hit it, I will tell you what it was. Until then, it's all for me. Well, I'm off to bed...probably gonna do some thinking again. Hope you all have a good night. Catch you on the flipside.

Tired

I'm tired. I finally scheduled some time off for myself today. I don't care what I do on my time off as long as it's not work. I think I'm going to check out a gym with a pool this coming week. We'll see. I'm also in need of a new pair of shoes. My feet hurt so bad lately, walking nearly brings tears to my eyes. These shoes suck... Plus wearing flip flops all weekend probably didn't help. It will be a good week though...I promise. Well, I'm going to try and get some sleep now. Been a long long day. Hope you all have a great night, friends. Catch you on the flipside. 'night...

A while

Been a while since I've written. I got up at 4:30 this morning and started riding at 5:30am at work this morning. I did a tad over 20 miles. I'm dog tired! I feel good though. I definitely need to ride more often than I have been. I got a text from a great friend that made me feel good about what I was doing. She knew I was busting my butt riding, so she gave me that little bump of encouragement. Great way to start my morning! I'm feeling good lately and have come to realize that I have a lot more friends than I thought. Some things have been on my mind recently though that have brought back old memories of my ex and I was feeling sorry for myself until I realized how good I'm doing without her. I really think I would have dug myself deeper in debt and would not have been happy with our living situation. I can't believe it's been this long for me to finally realize it, but I was so hung up on the fact that someone disliked me that I never focused on the positives. I'm nearly out of debt now and have been able to focus more on work and family. Yes, I still have days where I miss her, but I think it's more the fact that I miss the incoming love and attention no matter what. Oh well, I'll find another one someday, right? I just have ME in mind right now and need to remember to look out for #1...hard sometimes, but it's all good. Well, I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed. Goodnight, friends... Catch you on the flipside...

Tired

This week has taken its toll on me and I kind of had a breakdown on the way home from work. I had to pull over and take a deep breath and just calm myself down. Everything seems to be going wrong at work and I feel like maybe I'm not the right guy for the job. I find myself second guessing my abilities and worry that I'll see the day where I'm pulled aside and asked to give up passwords and let someone else do my job. It's hard. I know it's extremely unlikely, but I really feel like anything can happen lately and I'm worried. I've been riding my bicycle every morning. It's very very difficult getting up at 4:30am and riding 10-15 miles. My knees are sore, my arms hurt, my butt hurts, my back hurts... Laying down does feel good though. I'm just sooo exhausted! This might be the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm so tired. Just tired. It'll be a while before I'm used to it, but for right now, my body hates me. Well, I'm going to bed to catch up. Catch you all on the flipside.

Revitalized

This week has been changing for me. Ever have someone out there that just makes you work hard...I mean harder than you ever would at any other point in your life? I think I've met that person. There's just something about this person that makes me want to try to improve myself more than I ever have in my life. I believe this person was put in my life to show me something that I don't see in myself. They are tough because they care and could be considered one of my best friends at the same time. Something about this person just screams "I care about you" when the pep talks happen. I've never had anyone like that. I mean, all my friends encourage me to better myself and lose weight, but there is something about this one. You know how I know they really mean the world to me? I'm scared to let this person down. It completely scares me to let this person down. I rode my bike 6 miles this morning and another 5.5 after work...I can see that it's making a difference already and I feel good. I mean, I'm sore as hell tonight, but at least I feel like I'm doing something good with myself. I'm sure if this person reads this, they will know who they are and if they get it, they'll know that I appreciate the friendship, the love, the motivation, the pep talks, tough love and the laughs. If you're reading, thank you for being my friend and believing in me. I feel refreshed, revitalized, renewed, and I feel the pride in myself again. I just need to find a way to reciprocate! Some day, I will find a way to make it all come back to you, I promise. :) You know who you are...Goodnight, friends. Catch you on the flipside.