Day Sixty Four

Well, did a little something different today. I've been wondering if I'm doing absolutely everything I can to get rid of this weight. I know I'm sounding like a martyr or something, but I'm just not feeling the loss as fast as I want it. This is something that, in my mind and my heart, I want this to make me feel better than I have in the last couple of years. I just will not be completely happy with myself until I can say that I'm in a spot where I think I am healthy and able to reach the goals I've set for myself. I am 30...I haven't lived yet. I've had one relationship in my life and it's now gone down in flames. I think maybe that's why I want this so fucking bad. I was such a happier person when I was with someone because I just felt so much closer to being completely happy. I walk around at work and I can feel people looking at me and I catch people catching glances at my belly and stuff and it just makes me so uncomfortable. Makes me want to curl up in a hole and block myself away from everyone, but the only thing I can do is get up every single day and go to work and bust my ass and try and shed this shell holding me back from flying, from catching the eyes of women, from doing everything else I can't do right now. Today I went to the "Mike" ramp and decided to try a Couch to 5K session and walk/run the access road at the airport and my knee just wasn't up to it, so I walked it out for 40 min and did a mile and a half. I felt pretty good after that...my knee was hurting a bit, but I felt physically pretty pumped. I did a bunch of good stuff at work today and went home to watch the Bears game at Dan's place. I'm ready for bed for sure. I'm not sure if I want to walk or ride my bike tomorrow. We'll see how I feel. Maybe I'll drop my bike off and walk from the "Mike" ramp and then ride when I get back to work and do a few miles on the bike. Maybe that's what I'll do. I talked with Emily tonight and she knows how I feel and she knows I'm frustrated and she's right...it's a slow process, and I need to be patient. I thought I'd be more patient...but I guess not. :) I'll get there...I'm just venting tonight before bed...maybe I'll sleep a little better. I hope you all have a good night and I'll catch you on the flipside. Goodnight, friends.