So, it's been a while since my life made a pretty significant detour. Hasn't been a long time, but it seems like an eternity. It's been extremely difficult for me to adjust to a new routine and go back to what my life was like a little over a year ago. Thank god for friends and family. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for them. I am convinced my friends are the best people on the planet. It's truly amazing how many of my friends expressed complete concern for me and for that, I love them immensely. Even the friends that I see once or twice a year would call me and talk for hours at a time about life and changes. I am really having a hard time understanding why it's taken me this long to figure out that it has to be about me now. It has to be time for me to focus on ME. I was so focused elsewhere, I forgot about me and I suppose that's where I went wrong. No matter how much I've been told not to blame myself for what happened, that's been my biggest problem during this whole change. Time to put that fire right the F out. If I'm not happy with myself, I'm never going to be able to love anyone else. Yep, I was head over heels in love and now it's vanished in a heartbeat. The numbing effect was surreal. I'm finally ready to get feeling back in my mind, body and soul and get focused on myself.
I had a very good weekend seeing my friends. I mean, friends that I haven't seen in months...years almost and we picked right back up where we left off. They all want to see my back in the hobby and I would love it, but I really want to turn my health into my new hobby right now. I joined Weight Watchers last night and hopefully things will turn around a little there. I have been walking and tomorrow I want to try getting back into that Couch to 5K thing. Blogging seems to be therapeutic and I know there are some of you reading this that know me and shake your head saying "There he goes again being dramatic and over senstive and obsessive about things again..." Oh well! Writing things like this helps me cool off and clear my mind, so deal with it! :) Writing and listening to music...I'm listening to Joe Satriani gracefully pick at a guitar...so great!
Some mornings I wake up and think "How did things end up like this?" or "How did I get to this point?" I was talking to a friend the other day and she asked me "Where do you see yourself before you're 40?" I told her I wanted to be married with two kids, at a healthy weight, successful at my job, and with the woman of my dreams who will love me no matter what and with a pilot's license in my wallet. That's exactly where I see myself and in the back of my head, I heard this voice say "Well get cracking!" I suppose there is a particular order in which that whole sequence needs to progress and it all starts with my health. "Mike, if you don't look out for #1, nothing will go right because no one can look out for you except for you." I've heard that from multiple people, so I need to just do it and stop analyzing everything. I must be proactive about everything from this point on because if I'm not, nothing good will happen. I'm going to have to make it all happen for me. In 2006, I lost 125lbs in the course of like 6 months because of a girl...a girl! I thought "Damn, if I have any chance, I have to lose this weight." and I just did it...I never realized how much weight I'd lost until my boss asked me one day if I was sick. Then it hit me. I did it unconsciously and just completely changed my lifestyle unwittingly because I was focused on a goal. When that fell apart, I lost focus and went back to the old ways. Every day I kick myself for falling back to those ways...I had such a good start and gained it all back plus some. Idiot!
I'm going to try and write every night because this seems to make me feel better. Check back if you want. I'll be trying to post every night before bed. Goodnight!
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